


Yes, I over-think (but I also over-love)

by notreallystraight



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Psychic Abilities, angst maybe, just trying to get a lot of fluff into this bc i like that, lots of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-07 04:14:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8782534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notreallystraight/pseuds/notreallystraight
Summary: Clarke's been able to see the future her entire life. Now she's finally gotten to the moment where she's meeting Lexa and falling for her harder than expected. ORClarke loves Lexa so much, but she's so "Clarke" she's scaring Lexa away





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i'm trying to make this a little happier since all of my fics are always super sad. so yeah, hopefully it doesn't suck

There’s no way to explain why Clarke is the way she is. Only a few words can be used to describe it, to describe her. 

She’s psychic.

She belongs in a mental hospital. 

She’s just lucky. 

The things people have told her, called her, through her twenty years are always shocking when she thinks back to it. Now she tries to keep calm about it, or as calm as a person who can see the future can be. 

She does own a store where she sells all sorts of things. Everything from “lucky” jewelry to magical beans. Everything’s overpriced but everyone ends up buying something anyways. Right now Octavia is going through the cash register, making sure everything’s right. She’s been helping Clarke with the store for a year now, it’s grown to twice its size since then and Octavia always finds the good things on Ebay and she’s very crafty when it comes to coming up with stories about the different knickknacks she finds. 

Clarke’s sitting in the back of the room. She’s wearing a loose t-shirt and a pair of blue trousers. Her hair is hanging in loose curls she did a few days ago and her makeup is minimal, just mascara and a pink lipstick. 

“You okay back there? “ Octavia calls. Clarke slides the red curtain away from the corner she’s sitting in and nods, smiling. “I don’t think there’s going to be anymore people today, is it cool if I leave? “ 

“Yeah, sure. I’ll close in a minute, too. “ Clarke beams at the door, tapping her foot on the floor. 

“What are you waiting for? “ Octavia laughs. She packs away her stuff from behind the counter and puts on her jacket. Massive bookshelves filled with medallions, jars of powders, pots of crusty flower pedals and other random things are filling up most of the tiny space. Fake wings from different sort of birds are hanging in thin rope around the room from the sealing. Everything has an orangey-red tone because of the tinted windows and the lack of natural light. 

“Nothing, it’s fine. You can go, “ Clarke says and runs her fingers through the tips of her hair. 

“You’re such a weirdo, anyway, hope the next costumer’s a hot one. “ Octavia laughs even louder when Clarke goes pink. She smacks the door closed behind her, making the tiny bell that is hanging above it ring. 

Clarke sits still, tugging at the edge of her shirt, counting the dots on it. It’s black and has fake paint splotches on it in many different colors. Her heart starts beating when the bell rings again, it’s so soon after Octavia left she almost thinks she’s coming back. 

Clarke holds the red curtain with her right hand. She looks at the chair in front of the one she’s sitting on and gives it a slight push with her foot to make it skid along the floor. The sound is loud and breaks the silence. 

“Oops, “ Clarke says and laughs slightly as she gets up from her chair. She walks from one bookshelf to another, jumping over things on the floor. She knows where every object in this room is, she’s very proud of that. 

“Oh, hi! “ Clarke says and beams at the girl standing in front of her, almost breathless to see her in real life. Her hair is much bigger and much darker than what she’d expected. Her lips are plumb, though with a blue-ish tint to them, probably because of the cold. 

“Hey, “ The girl says and looks away awkwardly. 

She looks around the room like any other new costumer does. They first look at everything, taking in all the dark colors and the whole “theme” of the room, then they check out the little things that stand out to them. It’s always interesting to see what the end up picking up and what they quickly ignore. 

But this girl looks at everything. She checks every little thing as she follows one bookshelf just to get to another. She’s careful when she comes to the jars, but she can’t help but to read every label on them, grinning and making small grimaces at the words. 

Clarke and Octavia had a lot of fun making up names for the mixtures of powders and other odd things they found online. 

“Do these things really work? “ The girl suddenly asks, stopping by the jars. Clarke gets ripped out of her daydream and she blinks a few times and shakes her head slightly. “Do they work? The… The potions? “ The girl asks and laughs slightly. 

“Try one and tell me, “ Clarke says and takes a few steps towards her. “Never tried them myself. “ 

“No? You’re selling things you’ve never tried yourself? “ The girl quirks an eyebrow at Clarke and fiddles with her phone in her hand. 

“Do you think someone working in a supermarket has tried everything he or she sells? “ 

“Touché, “ The girl says and keeps walking, leaving one last look on one of the golden powders. 

Clarke finds it weirder than she’s expected to actually see her in real life. She’s been having visions of her for years now and finally she’s standing in front of her. 

“Are you psychic? “ The girl suddenly asks, not capable of keeping herself quiet. She looks to the floor and a flush of color goes through her face as she regrets her words. 

“That’s one way to say it, yeah. “ Clarke smiles and walks around the corner to see the girl again. “Wanna try? “ 

The girl lifts both her eyebrows and laughs in a disbelieving way. “It’s bullshit, “ She then says. “Psychics don’t exist. “ 

“Fair enough, “ Clarke says and lifts her shoulders. She walks past the girl and sits down on the chair she’d been waiting in for the entire day and leans back. The girl turns and looks from Clarke, to the chair in front of her and then back to Clarke, as if she’s considering it. 

She sighs loudly and then sits down on the chair with another sigh. “Fuck it, what does it cost? “ 

“First one’s free, “ Clarke says. 

“Really? “ 

“Yeah, it’s… It’s this new deal I’ve made. “ Clarke smirks and holds out her hand for the girl to put hers in Clarke’s. There’s a tiny table between them with a dark, blue cloth and a lit candle on it on the right. Clarke rests her hand, the girl’s hand on top of it, on it. 

“So, “ Clarke says and looks at the hand as if she’d need it. “Lexa. “ She smiles and looks up to see the girl’s, Lexa’s, face twist in surprise and disbelieve. “Let’s see what we can find. “ 

“How… “ 

“You’re name’s on you’re phone case. “ Clarke laughs and smiles even wider when Lexa’s face flushes pink. “Your lifeline is… It’s very long. You’re going to live for a very long time. It’s very deep. You’re happy with your life, or at least you’re going to be at some point… “ Clarke closes her eyes for a second before opening then again. 

She breathes deeply and feels how the sweat pearls on her forehead. She closes her eyes again and then it begins. 

Suddenly she sees how the girl sitting in front of her is hanging around at Clarke’s apartment. She’s cooking breakfast, only wearing one of Clarke’s old t-shirts and some underwear. Her hair is messy and her eyes are drowsy as she flips another pancake to land on the pile next to the stove. 

“You okay? “ Lexa asks and snaps Clarke out of it. 

“Oh, uh, yeah, sorry. Uhm, where was I? “ Clarke blinks quickly and nods to get herself back in it again. “Okay, so you’re heart line. It’s very straight, as you can tell. Which means you’re, uh, you’re a closed book, I guess. “ Clarke laughs shortly. “Also… How old are you? “ 

“Uh, just turned twenty-one, “ Lexa says confused. Clarke looks back down at her hands and lets her fingers follow the heart line one more time. 

“You’ve experienced a very big heartbreak- “ Lexa pulls her hand away quickly, looking from Clarke to the table with a hurt expression. “I’m sorry, “ Clarke says quickly. 

Lexa closes her eyes and breathes deeply. “It’s okay. Bad memories, “ She says through forced breaths. 

“Let’s talk about the future, shall we? “ Clarke smiles to lift the mood and after a second of consideration from Lexa’s side she agrees and gives Clarke her hand again. Clarke holds it gently, feeling how the skin is soft and warm and how she’s waited for this for so long now. 

She closes her eyes and breathes slowly, in through her nose and out through her mouth. She thinks back to all the times she’s had visions of Lexa. 

“You’re going to be happy. I… You’re going to meet someone at a time in your life and at a moment were you did not expect it and she’s… She’s going to make you very happy. Also… I would not worry so much about your roommate all the time. She’s okay, really. She’s more concerned about you, actually. “ 

“What… “ Lexa shakes her head as she mouths the word. 

“Give her some space, maybe. Let her make the mistakes you wouldn’t, she needs that. And… I think you need it, too. Also! Wake up ten minutes earlier tomorrow because you’re train is going to be really early and you’ll miss it, “ Clarke says and opens her eyes slowly. 

“What… They’re oddly specific. How did you know I have a roommate? And that I take the train… “ Lexa shakes her head with a smile. 

Clarke just shrugs and lets go of her hand as she gets up from her chair. “It’s going to rain in a few minutes and if you don’t leave now you’re going to be drenched. “ 

“The sun is shining, you do know that, right? “ Lexa laughs. 

“Trust me, “ Clarke says and smirks. “It’ll be pouring. “ 

***

Once Clarke gets home to her apartment clouds are hovering over the sky and a faint smile falls on her lips. 

“What are you smiling about? “ Raven asks once Clarke’s inside. Raven swings her legs over the side of the couch and gets up, finishing her beer and putting it on the counter in the kitchen as she greets Clarke with a lifted eyebrow. 

“Nothing. I thought you’d be at work? “ Clarke asks confused. 

“Yeah, left early. Thought it was time you and I hung out, watched some movies and- “

“What’s the problem? “ 

Raven’s mouth falls open and she scratches herself behind her ear nervously. 

“Nothing. “ 

“Raven… “ Clarke mutters as she takes off her jacket and hangs it on the nail behind the door. She pushes off her shoe with her feet and runs her fingers through her hair before dumping herself on the couch. 

“I just… “ Raven breathes slowly and sits down in the chair opposite the couch. “What would say if I told you that- “ 

“No! “ Clarke says. “You’re not going to have another party. You held one last week and when I came home the apartment was trashed and two people were going at it in my bedroom! “ 

“I know, I know! I’m sorry, truly. I won’t invite them this time, promise. Just… It’s almost Christmas and I thought that it’d be nice with a little… Christmas party? “ 

“You’re just looking for an excuse to drink, “ Clarke says and puts her feet on the wooden table. She finds the remote on the couch and goes through a few news stations and some reality shows she already knows how will end. 

Raven makes a loud, disapproving sound, crosses her arms and falls back against the back of the chair with a sigh. 

“I already know how this will end, Raven. “ Clarke shakes her head. “It’s going to be exactly like last time and I’m just not in the mood for it. “ 

“This time I’ll make sure you don’t have to work when it’s held, promise! “ Raven begs. 

“No, Raven! I won’t let you. I’m crazy busy at work and… “ Clarke blinks a few times as the light slowly disappears from her eyes. Suddenly she’s seeing everything that Raven talked about. The apartment is filled with people who’re drinking, dancing and playing odd games. Raven and Finn are making out in the kitchen, Octavia and Lincoln are nowhere to be seen and Clarke doesn’t even dare to think about what the hell Jasper is doing with Monty in the living room. 

Suddenly she looks to her right and Lexa’s standing next to her, flushed cheeks and a nervous smile on her lips. Clarke takes her phone out of her pocket, the date shows three weeks from now. 

“Clarke? “ Raven calls and Clarke snaps back to reality. 

“What? Oh, yeah. You know what… If it’s in three weeks you can do it. I just remembered that- “ 

“Really!? Are you sure? Oh, my God, thank you! I’ll just send out invitations on Facebook, thanks! “ Raven says as she flies out the room with a new beer in her hand. She smashes the door to her room shut and turns up the music so loud Clarke has to guess what the people are saying in the TV. 

Three weeks from now she’ll know Lexa so well that she’ll be able to invite her to the party. 

Three weeks. 

***

When Clarke’s alarm clock goes off it’s still dark outside, then again, it’s almost always dark outside. Yesterday’s bit of sunlight was something that hasn’t happened in a very long time. She gets out of bed, cleans her face and puts on some makeup. Her hair is a mess so she chucks it up in a loose bun and lets some of the pink tips fall to frame her face. She finds a pair of loose, denim jeans and tugs a loose, flower patterned blouse on and into the jeans. 

“Good morning! “ Raven smiles from the couch. She’s fiddling with some mechanic-things she’s been working on for a while now. 

“Got work today? “ Clarke asks and pours herself a glass of orange juice from the fridge. 

“Nah, staying home. There’s a Friends marathon running. “ Raven laughs. 

“Sure? It’s going to be sunny later, you know. It’d be good for you if you went out a little, “ Clarke says concerned. 

“No thanks, mom. I’m fine. Go to your voodoo shop and put some curses on people. Also, tell Octavia that I’d like for her to mix some drinks for the party. She’s better at it than me. “ 

“Sure, “ Clarke says. She grabs her bag by the door and puts on her coat and scarf and walks out the door. 

Outside the leftover rain from yesterday night is filling the streets. People are wearing thick coats and hats and big boots to fight the weather. Wind is blowing all around Clarke and she’s happy she’s only going to be walking for a few minutes. 

“Hey, “ Octavia says when Clarke gets inside. “You’re late. “ 

“You’re early. Has there been anyone yet? “ Clarke asks and stomps her feet on the doormat once she’s closed the door behind her. She unwraps herself from her scarf and puts everything behind the counter next to Octavia’s stuff. 

“Nope, everyone’s asleep at this hour, you know. “ 

“It’s eight in the morning, Octavia. Every store opens now, “ Clarke says and laughs. There’s a big box of miscellaneous things on the counter. 

“Oh, yeah. The postman came with it just before you came. I didn’t order any of it- “ 

“It’s fine. I found some stuff a while back, thought they’d lost the package or something. I’ll unpack it. You can just- “ 

“Keep checking the money just to realize we’re loosing more and more? “ Octavia says with an eyebrow lifted and her hands on either side of her hips. 

“Exactly, “ Clarke says.

She takes out three old, mechanic toys from the box and looks at them for a second before heading down the room, following the bookshelves. There’s a shelf filled with old toys that are slowly collecting more and more dust. 

“Maybe we should take a day to just clean up in here? “ Clarke asks as she moves around some of the toys to make room for the new ones. 

“Can’t hear you, “ Octavia says with a laugh. 

“Very funny. “ Clarke smiles when she’s back at the counter. “Honestly, this place could really use a revamp, I think. “ Clarke nods at her own words and looks around her. 

“It’s fine, Clarke. It’s not the furniture that’s the problem. “ 

“What’s that supposed to mean? “ Clarke asks and looks through the box again. 

“Nothing, nothing. “ Octavia mumbles. She’s going through old bills and other papers, writing down numbers and writing out checks Clarke doesn’t even know what’re going for. 

Clarke grabs some old rocks and crystals and fiddles with them before finding their shelf as well. Within an hour or so she’s emptied the box. 

“I think I’ll do some cleaning, “ She says. “Feel free to help me- “ 

“Can’t hear you, “ Octavia says and adjusts her glasses for a minute before writing down more numbers. 

Clarke laughs and finds a cloth in the back of the store. She grabs the box from before, puts it on the ground next to one of the bookshelves in the back and empties one shelf at a time, cleaning every object, then the shelf and then putting everything back more organized. 

The bell above the door goes off and Clarke’s face flies towards it. The girl with the messy, dark brown hair and the shining, green eyes are standing by the door with a concerned look on her face. 

“Hi, I’m sorry but do you know where the other girl is? Uh, she had blonde hair and- “ 

“Clarke? Yeah, she’s in the back, I think. “ 

“Okay, thanks. “ 

With quick steps Lexa’s suddenly standing next to Clarke who’s on her knees, cleaning one of the bottom shelves. 

“Oh, hi! “ Clarke smiles and gets up from the floor. 

“I missed my train, “ Lexa says with a serious look on her face. “How did you know it’d be early? Where did you read it? Did you… Did you do something- “ 

“To the train? “ Clarke laughs and takes the box and moves it the next shelf, ignoring that Lexa’s kind of standing the way. 

“I don’t know… “ Lexa mumbles. “But I missed it. Also, my roommate… She wanted to get a tattoo and I was about to tell her no, but then I remembered what you said… “ 

“And? “ 

“And now she has a tattoo of a duck on her thigh, “ Lexa says angrily with her hands folded in front of her. 

“Oh, my God… I said mistakes you’d want to make! “ Clarke laughs loudly. For a second she swears she sees Lexa hide a smile. 

“Well… “ Lexa says. “I’d like to know how you knew all of those things. “ 

“I just do, Lexa. “ Clarke shrugs as she empties the top shelf. Lexa reaches the top and gets an old rock from the back of it, just showing how she’s centimeters taller than Clarke. 

“Thanks, “ Clarke says and takes it from her gently. “You know… This rock will take bad dreams away. “ 

“Really? “ 

“Yeah, just put it under your pillow and you’ll never be able to sleep. Not a single bad dream ever again! “ Clarke laughs and Lexa rolls her eyes with a smile. Clarke cleans the shelf and puts back the different rocks. Then she continues to do the same thing with the next shelf and Lexa continues to stand a bit behind her. 

“Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help? “ Clarke asks with a grin. 

“What… I don’t even work here, “ Lexa says as if Clarke had just insulted her. 

“Neither do I. “ 

“What? “ 

“I’m joking. I own the store, actually. So it’s fine, really. You can help if you want to, “ Clarke says. 

The bell goes off again and Octavia greets the new costumer. 

“Oh, Indra! I’ll be right with you, just give me a second! “ Clarke calls and Lexa looks at her confused. 

“How do you know who- “ 

“She has an appointment now, “ Clarke says and smiles. 

“Ah, of course. “ Lexa’s cheeks flush red for a second before her eyes fall to the ground. “I should get going anyway… “ She looks towards the door as if considering if it’s even worth it to leave. 

“Here, “ Clarke says and gives her a small card. “If you ever need to know when to get up. “ She laughs. Lexa takes the small card and studies it for a second. 

“Clarke Griffin? “ 

“That’s me, “ Clarke says. She drops the cloth on the shelf and then turns around and walks down to the corner. “Ah, Indra! You’re looking even better than yesterday, truly. “ Clarke smiles. “Let’s get started, “ She says and grabs the lady’s hand. She looks towards were Lexa’s standing, still studying the card in her hand with a slight smile. 

“Seeing anything good? “ Indra asks with a grin. 

“Something amazing, “ Clarke answers. 

***

When Clarke’s done reading Indra’s palm and making sure she’s going to call her grandmother some time this week, she walks up to Octavia, sits on the counter and smiles to herself for a minute. 

“What’s up with you? “ Octavia asks, sounding very much like she doesn’t really care. 

“Nothing. Oh, by the way I promised Raven to ask you if you- “ 

“Could make drinks for the party? Yeah, I will. I made a promise to myself to never drink anything Raven’s mixed after the last time, “ Octavia says and laughs. 

“Great, I’ll tell her when I’m off. “ 

“Why are you letting her have another party? I thought you said you’d never let her after last time. “ 

“Oh, “ Clarke says and she can feel her cheeks turning red. “I don’t know. You all had so much fun last time so I just thought I’d want to see what the fuss if about, “ Clarke says. 

“Mhm, sure. “ Octavia nods. She closes the book with a snap and Clarke turns to see where the sudden sound came from. “I’m going to have a break. I’ll be back in thirty minutes, “ Octavia says. 

“Your break is only fifteen- “ 

“Can’t hear you! “ Octavia calls as she walks out the door with her jacket under her arm. Outside Clarke can see she’s on the phone with someone, it’s probably Lincoln. So Clarke jumps down from the counter and looks at some of the numbers Octavia’s been writing down on a block of paper. There’re too many red numbers and all of them are ending with too many ceros. 

She sighs loudly and thinks back to when she opened the store two years ago. She had just moved back into town after being gone for a year – she needed to “figure herself out”. She saw the store, which used to be an old bakery, and thought instantly that she needed to buy it and do something with her “gift”. 

Her phone buzzes in her pocket, ripping her out of her daydream.

My roommate just got another tattoo. It’s a pond. I’m blaming you – Lexa 

Clarke laughs for a second before she feels a rush in her stomach.

Everything’s very duck-related – Clarke. 

Yeah, something might be up with her. But I won’t do or say anything, remembering your “advice” – Lexa

Ah, great. Want to go for lunch? – Clarke

Clarke doesn’t even know why sent that text. Sometimes she forgets that even though she feels like she knows Lexa, she doesn’t. Lexa’s only met her twice and she only just learned her name today. Clarke’s been having visions of her for years now – three to be exact. She knows everything, pretty much, that’s been happening to her for the past three years. 

When Clarke’s phone goes silent for more than five minutes she thinks she’s blown it. She ruined it, she scared her away. A simple text, five words, freaked Lexa out and- 

Sure, where do you want to meet? – Lexa

Clarke’s sure her heart skips a beat. 

Where are you? I’ll pick you up – Clarke

***

“I was scared I was being too forward, “ Clarke says as she looks for a parking lot. Lexa’s sitting next to her, wearing tight, black jeans, a tank top in grey and a loose shirt on top. She laughs slightly before adjusting her messy hair.

“I was too forward, “ Clarke says. 

“Maybe a little bit, “ Lexa says and laughs again. She’s fiddling with her seatbelt before taking it off once the engine’s off. “But I’m hungry and I wanted a free ride. “ Lexa laughs. 

“Oh, “ Clarke says and lifts her eyebrows. “I see what’s happening. “ She laughs. “Let’s eat, then. “ 

They walk out of the car and down the street for a minute before ending up in a small café, both of them in the mood for breakfast food. Clarke gets two waffles with whipped cream and fruit. Lexa gets pancakes and a small, fresh salad with fruits and greens. 

“This is amazing, “ Clarke says and smiles, taking a much too big of a bite.

“You’ve got whipped cream on your chin. “ Lexa laughs as she finishes her salad. 

“Shit, “ Clarke mumbles and wipes it off with a napkin. “I’m very bad at eating. It’s one of my few flaws. “ 

“Oh, sure. “ Lexa laughs. 

“What… “ Clarke laughs back and drinks her juice in silence, pretending to be very hurt. 

“So, “ Lexa says. “You’re psychic? “ 

“I am, “ Clarke says. “Very psychic. “ 

“No, honestly. How did you know those things about me? It’s… Are you just very good at guessing or something? “ Lexa laughs, pushing her plate away from her once she’s finished. She leans back against the wooden chair and smiles. 

“Maybe, “ Clarke says. “I… I just know those things. “ 

“You’re so… “ 

“Mysterious and interesting? “ Clarke smirks. 

“Very. “ Lexa laughs. 

Clarke’s stomach does this weird thing when Lexa laughs and she doesn’t know if it’s because she’s eaten too much or because this beautiful girl is sitting in front of her, this girl she’s been having visions about for three years and has been dreaming about every night since then is actually, finally sitting in front of her and Clarke’s making her laugh. 

Clarke makes her laugh.

“Well, “ Lexa says and breaks the eye contact. “I’m so full, honestly. “ 

“And I should probably get back to work, “ Clarke says with a sigh, looking at their empty plates. 

“Me too. “ 

“It must be interesting working as a writer, “ Clarke says. The words just slip out of her without she notices it. It’s only when Lexa’s jaw drops and her cheeks flush she notices what she’d said. 

“I’m not a writer, “ Lexa says. 

“Well, working with writers, then. “ 

“How did you- “ 

“Psychic, “ Clarke says and smiles. She waves for a waiter to pay for the breakfast and Lexa protests for a second before Clarke whips out her wallet and pays for the dinner, leaving a generous tip and a smile for the sweet waiter. 

“That was very… Generous, “ Lexa says and smiles. 

“He needed it. His pet rat is pregnant and he doesn’t even know it, “ Clarke says and enjoys the way Lexa laughs. 

“You’re so… “ Lexa shakes her head and looks away to put on her jacket. 

“I know. “ 

***

“You’re late, “ Octavia says without even looking up once Clarke’s inside the store again. 

“I was getting lunch, “ Clarke says and puts down her stuff as usual. 

“Alone? “ Octavia smirks.

“Shut up, “ Clarke says. She walks to the back of the room quickly and sits down in her chair behind the red curtain as usual, feeling out of breath for some strange reason. 

“Can I leave? “ Octavia calls. 

“No. You’re working late today, “ Clarke calls back. 

“Can’t hear you! “ Octavia says. 

For the rest of the day a few costumers come and go. Clarke has a few appointments but she can’t really focus. She gets two people mixed up and accidentally tells someone their dog’s going to die. 

“You need to concentrate, you know. “ Octavia laughs. “If you start making up stuff people will leave. “ 

“I know, I’m sorry. It’s just… I’m just tired. It’s fine, what time is it? “ 

“Uh, not enough. There’re still two hours left of- “

“It’s fine. We’ll close for today. “ Clarke nods and almost jumps out the door once Octavia’s gone. She tells herself she’ll finish up cleaning the store on Monday but right now all she wants is to get home and watch a movie. 

“You’re home early! “ Raven says and smiles once Clarke’s inside. She’s still sitting by the table in the living room, fiddling with stuff for work. The TV is blasting out a movie, probably Terminator, whilst the radio is playing Christmas music. 

“We’re not millionaires, Raven! I’ve told you a billion times to not have this many- “ 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m so sorry! Really, I’m sorry! I’ll pay for it, don’t worry. Look, “ She says. “Remember when I said that it was cool that the party would be in three weeks? “ 

“Yeah? “ Clarke asks, almost knowing where this is going. 

“So Jasper and Monty are going to Las Vegas in three weeks and some people from work are going to celebrate Christmas and stuff early, I don’t know. But basically the party is in ten days. “ Raven rushes to say the last bit, hoping that would make it seems less horrible for Clarke. 

“What… No! I said three weeks, Raven. I don’t… I can’t… Three weeks! That was the deal! “ Clarke says, shaking her head and pointing angrily at Raven because she sucks at being angry with people. 

“I know, I know. I’m so sorry! But then Finn said that he wanted Jasper and Monty to be there because if it’s just going to be him, Lincoln and Bellamy then Lincoln would just disappear with Octavia and he and Bellamy would get in a fight again and I knew you wouldn’t want that, “ Raven says, almost out of breath. “So actually I’m doing this to help you. “ 

“You’re an idiot, “ Clarke says. She opens the fridge and gets a beer, she twists the lid off and falls on the couch, almost spilling some on the carpet.

“I know, I’m sorry, Clarke. Really, truly! But… Please! I’ve already told people it’d be cool and stuff. Don’t make me cancel. “ 

“Fine, fine! It’s fine, look… Just… Don’t make it too big or too loud. A small party with some drinks- “

“Can Octavia make dri- “ 

“Yeah, she can. No running on the street naked because of “some dare” and no- “ 

“Okay, okay, okay! I get it, yeah. Just a party for twelve year olds. “ Raven nods and sighs loudly. 

“Also, maybe it’d be a good idea for you to get outside. You’ve been home all week and as far as I know you haven’t actually moved from the couch all day, “ Clarke says and goes through the channels, ignoring Raven’s sigh. 

“I’m fine. Finn is coming over late, if that’s cool? “ 

“Yeah, it’s fine. Tell him to bring dinner, “ Clarke says and puts the beer on the table, pushing away some screws and other tiny bits and pieces from Raven’s mess. 

“Sure, “ Raven says and puts down whatever it is she’s making. 

“What the hell even is that? “ Clarke asks. 

“It’s a clock, I think. I’m trying to make it run on indoor lights and stuff. So that we don’t need batteries that’ll destroy the world, it’ll be great. “ Raven smiles, a slight frustration coming over her face. 

“It’ll be great, “ Clarke says and smiles, giving Raven a slight nudge with her foot.


	2. Chapter 2

Once Lexa’s gotten out of the bed, the slight amount of sunshine that’s probably going to show today, is already slowly leaving her window. 

“Time to get up, sleepyhead! “ Anya pulls Lexa’s blanket off her and laughs an evil laughs doing so. 

“I hate you, “ Lexa mumbles as she tries to cover herself with her pajamas. 

“Sure, sure. Look, work’s been calling all morning and for some reason you decided to leave your phone in the living room- “ 

“Sorry, “ Lexa says and sits up in bed, rubbing her eyes. “What do they want? “ 

“Uh, I don’t know. Something about you being late… Were you meant to work today? “ Anya asks. She fiddles with some of Lexa’s work papers on her desk. 

“Yeah, I missed the train yesterday… “ Lexa swings her legs over the bed and gets up and stretches and yawns. “Have you eaten? “ 

“It’s midday, Lexa. I’ve already eaten lunch. “ Anya laughs. 

“Oh, sure. I’ll just… I’ll find something. Do you have plans for today? “ Lexa asks. She adjusts her pajama pants and walks from her bedroom to the living room with Anya walking right behind her. 

“Uh, yeah. I’m hanging out with some people from the band later, “ Anya says. 

“The band? I thought you all broke up or something, “ Lexa says as she pours herself a cup of coffee. 

“We did, sort of. But we’re back together. What about you? Are you going back to that spooky-store you’ve been to the last couple of days? “ 

“What… How did you know- “ 

“I’ve got Find My IPhone. “ Anya laughs. She brushes a lock of hair behind her ear and tightens her ponytail. She’s wearing dark makeup even though it’s only midday and her eyeliner is smudged beneath her eye. 

“Well, okay then, creep. But no, I don’t think so. “ Lexa sits down by the kitchen island. “It’s… Do you believe people can be psychic? “ Lexa asks and laughs when Anya’s face twists in confusion. “I know, I know. But it’s just, like, the girl who owns the store. She just told me all of these things that would happen and so far they’ve happened. “ 

“What? Like ‘don’t forget to cherish the things you love’? “

“It’s not like a shitty horoscope, Anya. Just… Forget about it. I’ll just be working today. “ Lexa shakes her head, finishes her coffee and grabs her phone by the couch. 

“Maybe put it on silent? “ Anya calls as she walks to her room, closing the door behind her. 

Lexa unlocks her phone and sees the many missed phone calls from her workstation. It’s the author she’s assisting, she’s never letting her have one second of air. But other than the missed calls there are a million texts from Clarke. 

Hey, Lexa? Where are you right now? I know it’s weird that I’m asking but please answer – Clarke. 

Lexa? Please, I know it’s kind of early but just tell me that you’re okay – Clarke.

Lexa. Answer me, please – Clarke.

Answer your phone! I know it’s weird, but please I just need to make sure you’re okay – Clarke. 

Lexa! – Clarke

Lexa stops reading the texts afterwards, they’re just of Clarke sending exclamation marks over and over again. 

Hey, just woke up. Everything okay? – Lexa.

She waits for a minute or two before her phone buzzes. 

Oh, my God. You’re okay? – Clarke 

I’m fine, yeah. What’s happening? – Lexa

Nothing, everything’s cool. I’m so sorry – Clarke

Well, something was wrong. Tell me – Lexa

Her phone goes quiet for a while and she checks up on her Facebook in the meanwhile. She sees a few funny videos, some updates her friends have made and when she gets to her local news station she goes through their news from today. There’s nothing interesting, really. Just a ‘guess the celebrity’ and a horoscope for this month. 

You won’t believe me even if I told you – Clarke

Shut up, sure I would. Did you read something in my horoscope for today? – Lexa

Ha ha, very funny – Clarke

Lexa smiles at the texts and continues to go through the news. Suddenly a graphic picture of a fire in a nearby apartment building shows, only a couple streets from Lexa’s place. She reads through the article and how the firemen had gotten the wrong street number and how for a minute they’d turned up at the wrong building – Lexa’s building. 

Did you think my apartment was on fire? – Lexa

Nooo, of course not – Clarke

Okay, we need to talk. Meet me at your shop in an hour, please – Lexa

Yes, sir – Clarke

***

When Lexa gets out of the cab she instantly gets blown away by the sudden burst of wind and rain hitting her, she swears it wasn’t raining in the cab. She looks up once and then someone’s holding an umbrella over her head with a big, bright smile and a giggle on the way. 

“Clarke to the rescue, “ Clarke says and giggles slightly. She follows Clarke down the few steps and inside the store, closing the umbrella before getting inside. “So, “ Clarke says and takes off her jacket. The whole store is freezing cold so she now wishes she hadn’t done that. “I freaked you out, maybe. “ 

“Maybe, “ Lexa says and puts her phone on the counter, screen facing down. 

“I’m sorry. It will never happen… Wait, yeah, it will. “ Clarke laughs, obviously trying to joke her way out of the mess she’s made. 

“Look, “ Lexa says and shuts her eyes before opening them again. “I don’t understand how you know where I live. It’s freaking me out. I actually thought for a second that… I don’t know. But then I thought about all of the things you’ve told me and they’re all coming down to the same thing. “ 

“And what’s that? “ Clarke asks. 

“You’re a crazy stalker, “ Lexa says. It sounded like a joke but her facial expression doesn’t show that it’s okay for anyone to laugh right now. 

“I’m not a stalker, Lexa. I… I see the future. “ Clarke nods. “I know it’s hard to believe but it’s the truth. “ 

“See, “ Lexa says and laughs slightly. “You haven’t really given me any proof that couldn’t be found just by looking at my Facebook. “ 

“What do you want to know, then? “ Clarke asks, frustration showing on her face. 

“I… What have you seen? “ Lexa asks. Clarke blushes slightly and breaks the eye contact by looking out through the window behind Lexa. 

“Well… I know that you live in a small apartment with a girl named Anya and that you’ve known her most of your life. I know that you love her to death but she also terrifies you. I know that you’re horrible at cooking anything but pancakes and that you’ve been writing stories in your spare time. I know you have a boss who you hate and there’s nothing you can do about it. I know that- “ 

“Okay, okay! Fine, I get it. But this still doesn’t prove anything, okay? What will happen, then? If you can see my future… What will happen to me tomorrow? “ 

“It doesn’t work like that, Lexa. “ 

“Stop… Saying my name like you know me… “ She mumbles, not knowing where the sudden burst of anger came from. 

“I’m sorry, “ Clarke says and looks at the ground, embarrassed. 

“How does it work, then? “ 

“Well, “ Clarke says and looks outside again. “I just see things, sometimes. Like what’ll happen at some random time tomorrow or in a year. If I’m lucky I see the date, but it’s not always what I think about it when I’m there. “ 

“There? “ 

“Yeah, the visions aren’t just things that I see. I kind of live through them for a few seconds. So I can almost… I don’t know how to explain it. But in the moment it’s like I’m there, doing it or seeing it. But only if it’s a vision where I’m in it. “ Clarke explains. 

“You have visions of other people’s lives? “ Lexa asks. 

“Sometimes, “ Clarke says and her cheeks turn pink. “It’s not my choice, please remember that. I know it’s wrong and weird, but I can’t help it. There’s nothing I can do. They just come and go and… “ 

“I get it. If… If this is true then I get it. Prove to me that it’s true. Can’t you tell me anything about my future? “ Lexa asks. 

“Well… In ten days my friend, and myself, I guess, are having a party at our apartment. You’ll be there, “ Clarke says. 

“What… I don’t even know you- “ 

“I know! That’s why I didn’t want to tell you anything about that… I also wanted the party to be in three weeks so I’d have enough time to get to know you. I’m ruining all of this, I’m sorry. “ Clarke shakes her head and looks to the ground, her face is flushing with anger and annoyance. She’s been dreaming of these moment for so long now and she’s messing it up, she can’t believe she’s messing this up. 

She looks up to find Lexa biting her lip gently and with furrowed brows, looking like she’s considering everything. She blinks a few times before looking from the interior of the store and to Clarke with a smile. 

Clarke feels how her stomach flips with anticipation. 

“Okay, “ Lexa says and lifts her chin as her smile widens. “Let’s go out. Let’s have dinner or watch a movie or do something together. Because you’ve intrigued me and I want to see what’ll happen. “ Even though her voice seems calm and collected she looks like a nervous wreck, though she’s not worse than Clarke whose hands are sweaty and lips trembling. 

“Are you sure? “ Clarke asks and looks up again. 

“I’m sure. But I need to go to work now, sorry. So just text or calm me and we’ll figure something out, “ Lexa says. “You seem pretty cool, Clarke Griffin the psychic. “ 

Clarke laughs and smiles and tugs at her hair as Lexa leaves the store with a deep exhale, as if she’s been holding her breath this entire time. 

“Oh, my… “ Lexa mumbles as she gets outside, feeling how the cool air and rain on her skin cools her down. It must’ve been a million degrees in the store because her hands are so sweaty and she’s feeling slightly lightheaded. 

***

Lexa decides to walk home. It only takes twenty minutes and she’s happy she saved the money instead of taking a cab, because a woman was selling flowers right outside her apartment and she couldn’t help herself but to buy a couple of them. They’re big and bright orange with hundreds of petals, as if they’re overflowing with them. 

She puts them in a vase and brings them to the kitchen counter, enjoying the slight pop of color to the numb apartment. 

“Anya? Are you home? “ Lexa calls and waits for nothing to happen. She looks inside her room and sees the mess on the floor, it looks like Anya tried to fill the floor with clothes – she succeeded. 

Lexa turns on the radio and finds the first channel playing Christmas music, she turns the volume up and starts working on the massive pile of papers on her desk. When her phone rings she turns off the music and brings it to her ear. 

“Yup, it’s Lexa? “ She says, biting the end of her pencil. 

“D’you wanna come to the bar? Women drink for free tonight. “ Anya’s slurred words are a clear indication of how drunk she is. 

“Uh, it’s midday. “ Lexa laughs. 

“Uh, it’s not. It’s, like, nighttime. Like, ten at night and stuff, “ Anya says and ‘woos’ at something in the background.

“It’s… “ But as Lexa checks the time on her laptop she sees the clear numbers, one-cero. “Okay, it’s late. Too late, actually. I have a million things to do, Anya. Next time- “ 

“You said that the last time, “ Anya says, dragging out the words like a child. “Please! Pretty please! There’re a bunch of hot girls here, promise. Also, there’s this guy who’s just so- “ 

“I’m sorry, Anya. Can you call me when you need to get home? I’ll come pick you up, okay? “ 

“I don’t want to go home, Lexa. I want you to come here! “ Lexa can almost imagine how Anya’s stomping her feet in the ground and pouting her lips. 

“I’ll pick you up at midnight, is that okay? “ 

“Sure! “ Anya yells and hangs up. Lexa sighs loudly and thinks back to the many times she’s had to deal with drunken Anya. She thinks back to the first time Anya came home after being out. She’d fell over the couch and landed on the floor next to it, wearing leather pants and a crop-top, which was almost off her and on the floor, too. Lexa had spend the night holding Anya’s hair and getting her water, tugging her into bed just to be woken up by the sound of Anya throwing up again. 

Anya had promised that that would never happen again. But then Friday came around again and, well, Lexa’s feared it would become a ritual. So she went out with Anya once and then she was the one hanging over the toilet for an entire night. 

Her phone rings and she’s just about to yell at it, telling Anya to stop calling her unless she wanted to come home, when she reads Clarke’s name on the screen. 

“Hey, “ Lexa says and puts down her pencil. 

“Hey, “ Clarke says and Lexa swear she can hear her smiling. 

“So? “ Lexa asks and laughs nervously. 

“So, “ Clarke says and laughs, too. “Are you done working? Because I’m starving and my roommate promised to have her boyfriend bring food. “ Clarke sighs loudly. “But he forgot! “ Someone yells from far behind Clarke and Lexa guesses it’s the boyfriend of the roommate. 

“I’m actually still working, “ Lexa says and when she hears how Clarke sighs and how she’s sure her smile has faded she instantly regrets her words. “But if you want to come over I can work and eat at the same time. “ 

“Come over? “ Clarke asks and mumbles something Lexa doesn’t hear. She’s too busy panicking over why she even asked Clarke that. 

“Or not, I mean, if you want to. I don’t know… Just, uh, we can go somewhere, too. If you’d prefer that, I don’t- “ 

“I’ll come over, “ Clarke says with the smile on her face. 

“Sure? “ 

“Sure. I’ll bring McDonald’s. “ 

“No, please don’t. I can’t… I can’t eat that, it’s too… “ Lexa tries and feels how her entire body shudders just from the thought of it. 

“I’ll bring pizza, “ Clarke says and laughs. 

“Pizza sounds good, “ Lexa says and blushes slightly. 

“Give me an hour and I’ll be there, okay? “ Clarke says and hangs up before Lexa even gets to say anything. 

An exactly an hour later Clarke is knocking on Lexa’s door with two pizzas in her hands and two beers on top.

“Hello, “ Clarke says and smiles as she walks inside. She puts the stuff on the kitchen counter and looks around the room, nodding as she does so. Her eyes fall on the flowers in the kitchen and a soft smile appears on her lips.

“You’ve had your visions about my apartment? “ Lexa asks slowly as she finds some plates, knives and forks. 

“Only a few, really. Nothing creepy, “ Clarke says. 

“Okay, wait. “ Lexa turns to look at her. “Have you seen my room? In your visions? “ Lexa asks and Clarke nods slowly as little pink splotches appear on her cheeks. “Then tell me how it looks. You’ve never seen it in real life so if you can tell me what it looks like now… I guess I’ll have to believe you. “ 

“Okay… “ Clarke smiles. “Your bed is under the small window, “ She says as she closes her eyes to picture it. “And at the end of your bed is a dresser with a bunch of jewelry on it. Above the dresser is a mirror with little pictures stuck to it. Next to the dresser in the corner of the room is your desk. On the other side of your dresser, next to the bed, is a bookshelf. That’s all I’ve seen. “ 

Lexa stands with her jaw dropped to the ground and a surprised gaze on her face. 

“I’m sorry, “ Clarke says and looks to the ground. “I… I can’t really help it, you know. “ 

“It’s… It’s fine, Clarke. Just… I think I just need to get used to the fact that you know everything that’ll happen, “ Lexa says and laughs a halfheartedly laugh. 

“Well, “ Clarke says. “Not everything. “ She puts a slice on her plate and sits down by the kitchen island, which is sticking out of the wall by the kitchen. Lexa does the same thing and sits down next to her. “I see things sometimes. Most of the time they just happen and sometimes, like when I’m working, I kind of push it to happen. “ 

“How? “ Lexa asks.

“I just think about it, about how I can see things. And then it just happens. It’s not always what I see actually ends up being real. I see possibilities of maybes, as I like to say. What I see can be small things, like what’s on TV next week and that will most likely happen. Sometimes I see bigger things, like… Like one time I saw someone fall off a boat. I warned them in real life, of course, and it didn’t end up happening. “ Clarke shrugs and takes a bite. 

“You saved someone’s life? “ Lexa asks in awe. 

“Well, “ Clarke says and grins. “I don’t know. I just told them not to go fishing. “ 

“So you don’t see everything? “ Lexa asks and takes a sip of her beer, picking at the label. 

“No. “ Clarke shakes her head. Her eyes fall to her plate of food and Lexa feels how there’s more to that, but she can tell Clarke doesn’t want to talk about it. 

“Do your friends now about your… Ability? “ Lexa asks. Clarke can tell she knows Lexa’s not sure if she should believe her or not. 

“They do, kind of. I mean… Octavia, the girl who works in the store with me does. Raven, my roommate knows, too. But she always forgets and kind of ignores it. The rest know, too. They just… We don’t really talk about it, “ Clarke says and finishes her beer. 

“Why not? Being able to see the future sounds like a thing you’d talk about, “ Lexa says. 

“People generally don’t want to know what’ll happen to them, “ Clarke says, shrugs and finishes her second slice with a grin. “I only tell them stuff if it’s bad things, you know. If I feel like they have to know. “ 

“Who wouldn’t want to know their future? “ Lexa asks, smiling brightly.

“Would you want to know where you are in ten years, maybe? “ Clarke asks and laughs slightly, wiping her hands clean on her jeans. 

“Maybe, “ Lexa says. “I don’t know. It’s weird to think of, but… Can I ask you something? “ 

“Sure, always. “ Clarke smiles and crosses her legs on the chair. 

“How many visions have you had of me? “ Lexa doesn’t look at Clarke when she asks the question. She can still feel how she can’t quite believe all of it. It feels like a strange dream, like something that just isn’t real. 

“Uh, “ Clarke says and blinks a few times. “I… I don’t have a number, honestly. “ 

“Did you see me coming? The day I walked into the store… “ 

“I did, “ Clarke says and breathes heavily. “I want you to know that I don’t control it, okay? So when I see something… It feels like I’m invading people’s privacy and I’m so sorry about that… But- “ 

“What have you seen? “ Lexa asks. She laughs but stops picking at the label on the beer, which is still full. 

“Nothing! Nothing… Not like that, “ Clarke says. Lexa’s sure she’s never seen someone’s face go so red so fast. Clarke is blushing harder than ever before (and she blushes a lot). Lexa bursts out laughing and almost knocks over her beer. Clarke looks up, nervous and ends up laughing with Lexa, just to get the redness away from her face. 

“This is too weird, “ Lexa says and smiles. “And it makes no sense. But I… I think I believe you. “ 

***

When they’re both finished with the pizza they clean up together. Clarke cleans the plates and cutlery and Lexa dries everything off and puts it all back in place. Christmas music is playing, not as loud as before, on the radio and Clarke keeps humming along. Lexa wishes she’d just sing because she’s sure Clarke has a beautiful voice. 

“Shit! “ Clarke suddenly says and takes a step back from the sink. Lexa turns around, being in the middle of putting a plate on a shelf, and she sees how Clarke’s top is drenched from water and soap. “I… I’m an idiot! “ She says again and puts down the plate on the counter. 

Lexa hands her a towel and giggles lightly. 

“Do you want to borrow a shirt or something? “ Lexa asks and looks towards her room. Clarke just nods quickly as she crosses her arms, covering her chest. She’s now very aware of the fact that she’s wearing a white shirt. 

Lexa leads her to her room and finds an old flannel shirt that’s way too big for Clarke. 

“Is this okay? It’s laundry day. “ She laughs and Clarke accepts it and finds the bathroom to change. 

There’s something warm going on inside Lexa’s stomach and she doesn’t know what it is – well, she’s felt it before, but she can’t think of that right now. This is not that, it just can’t be. 

But when Clarke steps out of the bathroom, wearing loose, baggy pants and Lexa’s flannel she feels a rush in her stomach and a slight pain in her chest that only makes her think of that thing. 

“I look horrible, “ Clarke says and laughs. She does a little spin and Lexa can’t help but to just smile. 

“You look… You look great, “ She says and feels her face flush with color. “I finished the dishes, “ She then says and walks towards the couch, not knowing why she did that or what she’s supposed to do now. 

“Uh, do you want to watch a movie or something? “ Clarke asks and sits down on the couch, leaving a good amount of space between them. 

“I don’t know. But, hey, “ Lexa says and smiles. “You do. “ Clarke looks at her confused for a second, then her eyes go big and her smile fades. “You know how this night will end, right? “ 

“Uh… “ Clarke mumbles and looks at the TV. “I guess, “ She says and shrugs. 

“So what will happen next? “ Lexa asks. “Unless I changed the future by asking you… “ She thinks about it for a moment before deciding that it’s too confusing to be thinking about that stuff and then turns all of her concentration to Clarke. 

“Well, “ Clarke says. “We’ll turn on the TV, actually, and then we’ll find a shitty show about weddings and stuff. We’ll watch it for an hour or so and then… “ She bites her lip quickly, feeling the sudden jack of pain. 

“Then what? “ Lexa asks. 

“Then… Then something changed. I don’t know. I didn’t see anymore than that. “ 

Lexa knows she’s lying, of course she is. She’s ignoring Lexa’s eyes, she’s biting her lip and she’s not talking the same way she was before. 

“Okay, “ Lexa says and turns on the TV. “Oh, look! A shitty show about weddings, “ She says. 

“And stuff, “ Clarke says and laughs slightly. 

“Let’s watch it for an hour, “ Lexa says, very monotone and over-played. 

***

It’s only when Lexa’s phone suddenly starts ringing that they pause the film.   
“Shit, “ Lexa mumbles as she jumps by the sound of it, running to her bedroom. “Yeah? It’s Lexa. Okay, yeah. It’s fine, really. I’ll be there in thirty minutes, okay? Okay, great. Bye. “ She walks out of the room, her phone in one hand and the other holding her hair away from her face. “So, uh- “ 

“You need to pick up your roommate, “ Clarke says. She’s standing by the door with her coat on and a smile on her face. 

“How… “ Lexa mumbles but ends it with a nod. “She’s drunk and stupid. I need to go get her, I’m sorry. “ 

“It’s okay, Lexa. “ Clarke smiles and looks towards the door behind her. 

“I guess you already knew, “ Lexa laughs quietly. 

“Sort of, “ Clarke says. “It was really nice to hang out. “ She shrugs and takes a step forward, Lexa does the same thing without even noticing. 

“Yeah, I thought so, too. “ Lexa smiles and looks at the ground. “I… I want to know more, “ She says. “About you, I mean. “ 

“Okay, yeah. The store’s open anytime you want to talk. “ Clarke smiles. “I’d love to know more about you, too. “ 

***

Lexa turns in bed, trying to ignore the light that has been turned on in her bedroom. She feels warm hand on her arm and someone trying to pull at her blanket and instantly knows it’s Anya. 

“Leave me alone. It’s the weekend, “ Lexa says and sighs loudly. 

“It’s not, Lexa. It’s Thursday. “ 

She shifts in bed and rubs her eyes as she slowly wakes up. It’s been about a week since Clarke came and they ate pizza together. She’s been at Clarke’s tiny store almost every day since then, trying to balance everything that’s happening at work also. 

“Lexa, get up! “ Anya yells and slams the door shut after herself. “I’m going to meet up with the band now, bye! “ 

“Bye! “ Lexa yells and gets dressed right away. She looks at her phone and Clarke’s been texting her, telling her watch out for the weather later because it’ll be really cold. It’s been snowing for a few days now, not enough to actually stick to the ground just yet, but Lexa’s hoping they’ll have a white Christmas. 

Hey. Only just woke so didn’t see your texts. I’ll make sure to wear a scarf – Lexa.

You overslept again? How do you still have a job? – Clarke

I probably don’t, honestly. We’ll meet later? – Lexa

Pretty busy day today, actually. – Clarke.

Oh, okay. D’you have time for dinner or something? – Lexa

Maybe, I don’t know. Have to go, new costumer – Clarke

Lexa locks her phone and decides not to think too much about it. Today her head has to be filled with work, work and more work. Her boss, the writer, is going crazy about this deadline, which she never told Lexa anything about until last week. She says if she doesn’t finish the chapter she’s working on by tomorrow the whole company will go down and World War Three will begin. 

She can be a bit dramatic at times. 

So Lexa chugs on her fanciest pants and a grey shirt with a bright, yellow collar and heads out the door. When it gets to midday she gets a text. 

Sorry for being a dick this morning. Octavia has put up a shitload of new ads for the place and it’s full of people and I feel exhausted. Still up for dinner? I’ll pay – Clarke

Only if it’s Chinese and only if it’s not at my place. Everything’s a mess there – Lexa

My roommate is home – Clarke

Great, then I’ll get to meet her, too – Lexa

Damn it, Lexa – Clarke

See you – Lexa

***

When Lexa’s done being yelled at for the tenth time today she packs her bag, filling it with papers she has to finish at some other time and heads to Clarke’s shop. 

“Hey, “ Clarke says. She’s standing outside with her hands in the pockets of her three-sizes-too-big-coat. “You look tired. “ 

“I feel horrible, “ Lexa says and adjusts her bag, which she just threw over one shoulder. “I need food. “ 

“I got food, “ Clarke says and smiles. She starts walking down the street in the same direction that Lexa goes when she walks home. “So how horrible was your boss today? “ 

“Very horrible. She’s acting like chapter thirteen is, like, the world’s most important chapter and if she doesn’t make it perfect she’ll kill us all. Can’t you just… Please, tell me if I ever get a different job with a nice boss, please! “ Lexa begs. She takes Clarke’s hand and holds it tight to underline the meaning of her words. But Clarke just stutters and laughs slightly, staring at their hands, which are now intertwined with the other. 

“Or maybe not, “ Lexa says and lets go, keeping her eyes straight forward. “I just want to know if my life is going to keep being like this. “ 

“It’s not, “ Clarke says and sighs. “You’re going to do something else at some point – “ Lexa’s eyes light up and as if Clarke could read her mind she laughs. “I’m not going to tell you what or when. It’s your life, I won’t give everything away, you know. “ 

“There’s nothing fun about being friends with someone who can see the future when she won’t even tell you what’ll happen, “ Lexa says and pouts very dramatically. 

“You’re such a baby. “ Clarke laughs and stops walking. “This is it, “ She says. A tall apartment complex with bright white walls on the outside is squeezed in between two other buildings, those have red brick walls and look much, much older. 

“Fancy, “ Lexa says and walks up the stairs once Clarke’s unlocked the front door to the entrance. 

“Okay, “ Clarke says and breathes deeply once they’re standing outside the door. “My roommate can be a bit… Intense. Just try to, kind of, ignore her. She’s either really talkative or super quiet. Probably the first one, though. “

“JUST COME IN, CLARKE! “ A girl yells with a slightly raspy voice. 

“Shit, “ Clarke mumbles and opens the door. 

Lexa’s greeted with a massive, open room. There’s almost no furniture, only what’s necessary like a couch, TV and somewhere to eat. There’s a big, brightly colored rug in the middle of the room – it’s probably the only thing that isn’t black, grey or white. Paintings and photos of people are hanging on the walls with tape, old beer bottles are collecting dust around the couch and since the girl sitting by the couch is drinking one, Lexa quickly guesses she’s the one with the collection. 

“This is Lexa, Raven. “ Clarke nods and smiles a forced smile. “Lexa, “ She says and turns to look at Lexa. “This is Raven, my roommate. “ 

“Hey, “ Lexa says and lifts her hand to wave. Then the girl puts down her bottle and gets up from the floor, a big brace is surrounding her leg, making her walk a bit odd. Her hair is greasy and messy and she’s wearing sweatpants and a stained t-shirt. She has something that looks like oil on her cheeks and fingers and Lexa’s never seen anyone looks so mad, irritated and like she couldn’t give less of a fuck at the same time. 

As an answer to Lexa’s greeting, she just lifts her chin and looks Lexa up and down and scoffs. 

“Be nice, Raven, “ Clarke says and smiles. “We’re just going to get something to eat. Do you want anything? “ That seems to make Raven’s daze stop and she clicks out of it with a friendly smile.

“A burger, “ She says and humps back to the couch. Lexa wonders what happened to her leg and she tries not to look at it too much. 

“We’re getting Chinese, “ Clarke says. 

“Then get me a Chinese burger. “ 

“You’re impossible. I’ll get you noodles. “ Clarke laughs. She leads Lexa to the kitchen, which is open to the living room where Raven’s sitting. Lexa really wants to talk to Clarke without Raven being there, especially after the discomfort that’s formed in the pit of her stomach. 

“So, “ Clarke says and finds a menu card from one of the drawers. “What do you want? “ 

“Uh, “ Lexa mumbles. “We could also just eat out, you know. If that’s better, “ Lexa whispers and smiles, hoping Clarke doesn’t get the wrong picture of her now. 

“She already hates me! “ Raven calls from the living room. 

“It’s because you’re being a dick! “ Clarke calls back. Then she takes Lexa’s hand and holds it loosely. “We’ll order some food and eat it on the roof, it’s fine. We don’t need to talk to her. “ 

And after an hour of deciding and then waiting for the food to come Clarke and Lexa are sitting on the roof with boxes of noodles and chicken and other things Lexa loves. There’s a cold wind blowing in over them, making Lexa shudder. 

“Is it too cold? “ Clarke asks. 

“No, it’s fine. It’s nice up here, “ Lexa says. She leans back again the chair she’s sitting in and looks up at the sky. She wishes it wasn’t so cloudy so that she could see the stars. But just imagining them there, shining brightly above them is enough to make her chest flutter. 

“Yeah, I love it. “ Clarke smiles. Lexa can tell she’s thinking of something, little lines are forming between her eyebrows and her smile fades. Lexa doesn’t know why but she hates when Clarke gets like that. Sometimes Lexa says something and Clarke suddenly goes dark and her eyes stop shining like they normally do. 

She’s been meaning to ask her about it, but she can’t tell if Clarke even wants to tell her and with every word she says she’s terrified to say something wrong. There’s something so precious about this thing she has with Clarke, whatever that may be. 

“I li- “ 

“So, I’ve- “ 

The both laugh and try to make the other talk first, in the end Clarke speaks. 

“So, I’ve been thinking about something, “ She says. “The party is this Saturday and I really want you to be there. Not all of my friends are like Raven, well, Octavia is. They’re like the same person sometimes. But the rest, I mean, they’re really nice. I promise. “ 

Lexa’s never seen Clarke this nervous. Only when she gets a vision she doesn’t want to talk about and her cheeks go pink and her hands get sweaty. 

“I’d love to, “ Lexa says and smiles. 

“Really? “ Clarke looks so surprised it makes Lexa laugh and fall even further back in her chair. 

“Of course! And I’ll try not to make the rest of your friends hate me. “ 

“Raven doesn’t hate you… She’s just not good with the people I… “ Clarke looks to the ground and Lexa can tell how her face gets hot and red. 

“I like you, Clarke. “


	3. Chapter 3

“Raven! If you don’t start doing something for this party, I sure as hell will kick you out of the apartment… Permanently! “ Clarke yells, banging on Raven’s door. “Raven! “ 

“Okay, okay! Clarke, chill! “ Raven says as she comes out of her room with flushed cheeks. After a minute, Finn follows her with the same sleepy, though embarrassed, look on his face. 

“I hate you guys… So much. “ Clarke sighs. “The party is in two hours and you’ve done nothing! You were the one who wanted to- “

“I know, I know! Look, two hours is plenty of time to set up a few cups and stuff. It’s really nothing fancy, Clarke. Just a get-together, “ Raven says and shrugs. Her eyes follow Finn as he walks, only wearing underwear, to the kitchen and makes a cup of coffee. 

“Jesus… Okay, Finn! “ Clarke says and looks towards him and then away because she feels like she’s intruding on his personal space. “Can’t you just try to get dressed within the next few minutes and then just stay in Raven’s room? Please? Because apparently you guys are acting like rabbits again and this is not the time! “ 

He shrugs and nods and kisses Raven on the cheek before returning to her bedroom. 

“Great, “ Clarke says and exhales deeply. “Okay, so we need to move the furniture around, Raven. We need a table by the window for beer pong and- “

“Why are you suddenly so interested in this party being good? “ Raven asks with a smirk. “Does it have something to do with that girl? Lexa? “ She lifts an eyebrow and tugs at the bottom of her sweatpants. 

“No… “ Clarke shakes her head and hates the way her face suddenly feels warm. “It’s just… I want it to be a good party, you know. There’s nothing more embarrassing than a shitty party. “ 

“Sure, “ Raven says and nods. 

“I hate you. “ 

“Great, then my job here is done. “ Raven laughs. 

It only takes an hour to set everything up. Raven helps when it comes to moving the furniture and finding some of their alcohol. But Clarke does all of the little decorations by herself. She takes the fairy lights from her bedroom and hangs them round the living room, liking how the bulbs are all different colors and are coloring in the plain, white walls. She finds a few board games from her closet and puts them out for people to take, leaving a few extra dice because they always get lost. 

“CLARKE! “ Raven yells from her bedroom. “Clarke, oh my god, please! “ 

“What!? What is it!? “ Clarke runs into her room to find Raven only wearing underwear and a pair of tights with a massive hole on the right thigh. 

“Do you have a pair of tights I can borrow? “ 

“Uh. “ Clarke sighs and closes her eyes for second, counting to ten quickly. “Yeah, I guess. When’s Finn coming back? I asked him to get more beer twenty minutes ago and he’s- “ 

“He’ll be here soon, Clarke. Jesus fucking Christ, relax a little. It’s just a party… And she’s just a girl, “ Raven says and puts on a short, tight, black dress with sheer cutouts around the hips. 

“You look hot, “ Clarke says to change the topic. 

“I know, “ Raven says and winks. “You look like a mess. “ 

And that’s when Clarke realizes she, really, is a mess. Her hair is greasy and she’s still wearing leftover mascara from yesterday. She has on a pair of loose shorts and a big sweatshirt. She hasn’t shaved her legs in forever and she’s surprised how all of their houseplants aren’t dead because of the horrible smell she’s sending out in the rooms. 

“How long do I have? “ Clarke asks with a panicked voice. 

“About forty minutes, I’d say. “ 

“Shit! “ 

After thirty minutes of constant panicking and Clarke running from her bedroom to the bathroom with makeup and different outfits and a curling iron she’s finally ready. 

“You look… “ Raven smiles and shakes her head. “Not like a homeless person! “ She cheers. 

“Jeez, thank you. “ Clarke grins and looks at herself in the full-length mirror in Raven’s room. She turns a little to see the big cutout in the back of her dress. She tugs at the sleeves of her massive, woolen cardigan that she can’t live without and smiles at herself. 

Then everything goes black, darker than black, and it begins again. She sees her and Lexa sitting in the kitchen with people surrounding them. Lexa’s looking like a million bucks, more than that, even. She’s smiling and laughing and blushing, both of them are. Clarke has a drink in her hand and Lexa’s picking at the label of her beer, just like the night they ate pizza at her place for the first time. That already feels like a million years ago. 

Lexa suddenly stops smiling and stares straight to the floor. “Do you not like me, Clarke? Like… Like that? Because I need to know and… “ Lexa’s voice sounds so distant and strange and Clarke so wishes she could do something at that moment, but then the doorbell goes off and snaps her out of it. 

“Done? “ Raven asks and touches her hand gently. Clarke nods and fakes a smile. “Everything okay? “ Raven asks as she walks to the door, Clarke following her. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just a strange vision, nothing about any of us, it’s fine. “ 

Raven opens the door and Octavia and Lincoln bursts in with big smiles and bags of bottles. Octavia waves a hello to Clarke and heads for the kitchen to get everything ready. Finn’s sitting on the couch watching something on the TV and Lincoln joins him with a handshake. They’ve never really gotten off too well. 

“Are you guys ready for this? “ Octavia smiles and her already slightly blurred words indicate she’s been having a pre-party by herself already. 

“Yes! Of course! “ Raven giggles and helps unpack everything. 

“Guys, I’ll… I need to make a phone call so I’ll be right back, okay? Two minutes! “ Clarke smiles as she walks to her bedroom, sitting down on the bed, which has been pushed up against the wall by the window. 

“Lexa? Hey, “ Clarke says. 

“Hey! I’m on my way, okay? I’ll be there in five minutes. “ The sound of Lexa’s voice makes Clarke’s heart both slow down but also beat harder. 

“Okay… “ Clarke smiles to the phone. “I’m exited to see you, “ She mumbles and hates how it comes out. 

“Yeah, I’m exited to see you, too. Look, I need to hang up because the cab’s here and I don’t- “ 

“You don’t like being on the phone in public places, yeah, I know. I’ll see you soon! “ Clarke smiles. 

“See you, “ Lexa says and hangs up. 

Clarke gets out of her room to find at least fifteen new people in her apartment. 

“Clarke! “ Jasper yells and runs to her, hugging and lifting her off the ground with a roar. “You’ve gotten so big! “ He laughs. 

“Wow, thank you, Jas’. You really now how to make a girl feel special, “ Clarke says. 

“No, no! That’s not… I just meant that, like, what parents say and as we all know I’m the dad of the group and- “ His words get lost in the roar of laughter around him. 

“Hey Monty, “ Clarke says and hugs him gently with a smile. 

“Hello Clarke, “ He says. His hair’s getting longer and longer and soon he won’t be able to see anything, Clarke always comments on his hair but decides to leave it now. 

“Are we missing anyone? “ Octavia asks as Clarke looks towards the door and then at her phone. 

“Clarke’s waiting for her date, “ Raven says mockingly. The entire group looks at Clarke with big eyes, a few of them smiling and only Finn’s laughing. 

“What!? “ Octavia yells, louder than the music that is pouring out of the radio. 

“It’s not… She’s not a date, I mean. She’s just… You know, a friend, I guess. She’s just… Oh, shut up! “ Clarke yells and walks to the kitchen as they all laugh loudly again. She greets a few people as she gets to the counter, only realizing now that she didn’t really put a strict number on the amount of people Raven was allowed to invite. 

“Bellamy? “ Clarke asks and the guys whose head was inside the fridge pops out with that typical Bellamy-grin only he can make. 

“Clarke! “ He smiles and pulls her in to a warm hug and laughs in her ear. “God, I didn’t even know you’d be here this time, “ He says. 

“Well, “ Clarke says and shrugs with a grin. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in a million years, dude! “ She says and hits his upper arm gently with a laugh. 

“Yeah, you know… Just been traveling a lot, like, I just got home from Greece and stuff. “ He nods. “It was great, super cool! “ 

“Are you tired? “ Clarke asks and laughs. 

“I feel like I could fall asleep standing up, “ Bellamy says and laughs. “I’m making some coffee. “ He laughs and Clarke laughs with him, getting a cup from the cupboard as a help. “Thanks, “ He says. 

“You’re welcome, “ Clarke says. “So how was- “ 

“CLARKE! “ Raven screams from the living room, making Clarke turn around instantly with a rush in her stomach. “YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S HERE! “ And if Clarke hadn’t felt a rush in her stomach before, now she certainly does.

“Oh, my god… “ She mumbles and looks towards the door where Jasper’s standing with Lexa by his side and an awkward smile on his lips. “We’ll talk later, Bell, sorry. “ 

“Clarke! Look who I found! It’s your gir- “

“It’s Lexa, “ Clarke says abruptly and gives Jasper an angry glare. “It’s Lexa, okay? “ He nods and laughs and walks away to meet Raven who’s almost dead from laughter. Clarke breathes slowly and looks at Lexa and just like in her vision she’s wearing a long, black pantsuit, which is hanging loosely from her legs. She’s wearing a brown, leather jacket over it and brown heels, making her even taller than before. 

Clarke likes how she has to look up slightly to meet Lexa’s eyes. She also notices how Lexa’s eyes are filled with panic and she looks overwhelmed and terrified. 

“I’m so sorry, Lexa! “ Clarke says and bites her lip to not make her words to slurred. “They… That was Jasper, I guess. He’s not really shy, “ She says and smiles. 

“He seems nice, “ Lexa says and almost sounds genuine. 

“He is, don’t worry. He’s one of the good ones. “ 

“Really? “ Lexa laughs and tugs at one of her small curls. “You look really great, “ She says and nods, as she looks Clarke up and down a few times. 

“You look even greater, “ Clarke says and it makes Lexa laugh and Clarke didn’t even notice how much she needed that. “Do you want something to drink? “ 

“Uh, yeah. Maybe just some water? It was a million degrees in the cab. “ She smiles and Clarke leads her to the kitchen. 

“Here, “ Clarke says and reaches over the counter to get a clean cup and fills it with water from a bottle in the fridge. 

“Thanks, “ Lexa says and drinks a bit of it. For a few second it suddenly hits Clarke that she has nothing to say to Lexa. Normally they’re talking about Clarke’s gift but there’re too many people here who could overhear it and Clarke doesn’t really feel like spending the entire night reading people’s palms. 

“So when are you going to let us say hello to her? “ Jasper asks, sneaking up behind Clarke and holding her arm gently with a smile. 

“Uh, now, I guess. “ Clarke laughs. “You’re good? “ She whispers to Lexa who nods as she’s being led away by Jasper. They all end up by the couch. 

“Okay, guys, so this is Lexa. “ Clarke smiles as she looks from Lexa and to the group in the couch. “Raven, Lexa, you’ve already met. Okay, so Lexa, “ Clarke says and points at Lincoln at first, hoping he’ll be nice. “This is Lincoln and this is Octavia, “ She says and pauses to let them greet her. 

Lincoln shakes her hand nicely and they exchange a kind smile. Octavia just smiles shortly and nods, leaving Lexa’s hand stretched out in front of her. 

“Okay… “ Clarke says and sends a wearing look to Octavia. “Then we have Raven, of course, and Finn. “ They both greet her with a smile. “Then there’s Jasper- “ 

“Hello, very nice to meet you! “ He says a little too loud and shakes her hand for a little too long. 

“And Monty, “ Clarke says and smiles. 

Monty gets up from the couch, shakes her hand and introduces himself again as if she hadn’t heard Clarke say his name. 

“And… And Bellamy, “ Clarke says. 

“Hey, “ He says and shakes her hand. 

Clarke breathes in deeply and slaps her hands on her thighs with a smile. “Let’s get fucked up! “ She says. And as if the words were magical the entire group jumps from the couch and joins the rest of the people in the room with woos and exited yells as they start dancing and playing games. 

“They’re a bit loud, “ Clarke says to Lexa who’s still looking terrified of the people in the room. “Do you want to go out and get some air for a bit? “ Clarke asks. 

“No, no… It’s fine. “ Lexa nods with a forced smile. “Uh, maybe… Maybe I should get a drink. A real drink? “ She says awkwardly and looks towards the kitchen counter that’s been filled with bottles of everything. 

“Yeah, okay. I’ll get you something, “ Clarke says and walks to the kitchen. As she mixes some vodka with something red and puts in a few ice cubes she looks back and sees how Lexa’s now talking to Octavia. They’re both smiling so she decides to take her time with the drinks. 

“Hi again, “ Bellamy says and jumps to sit on the counter. “She seems really nice, the girl, Lexa. “ 

“Yeah, “ Clarke says and feels the rush of heat run up her cheeks. “She is, really. I like her a lot… “ 

“That’s great, Clarke! “ Bellamy smiles. He takes a sip of the beer in his hand and grins. “Clarke Griffin… Dating a girl. That’s something I never thought I’d see. “ 

“Yeah, well… “ Clarke shrugs. “A lot of things have happened since you left, Bell. “ 

“Are you still mad at me because of that? “ He asks, eyes following Clarke as she walks around to get little bits and pieces for the drinks. “Because I already said sorry like a million times. “ 

“I’m not… I’m not mad that you left, Bell. We… We didn’t work together, you know? It just didn’t make sense. I am… Was mad because you did it without saying goodbye, “ Clarke says and smiles when she bumps into someone. “You hurt me, Bellamy. “ 

“I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say goodbye, I knew that if I tried… I’d just end up staying and that would’ve driven me insane, “ He says. “Look, “ He sighs deeply and looks at Clarke with those sad, puppy eyes he does so well. “I’m way too drunk to be talking about this and not ending up trying to kiss you… Again… And I don’t want to ruin anything between you and her. So I’ll just go talk to that blonde girl over there and we’ll talk sometime next week, Clarke. Okay? “ 

“Okay, “ Clarke laughs and cheers one last time before Bellamy walks away with shaky steps. 

“You’re a very slow bartender, you know? “ Lexa laughs as she leans up against the counter next to Clarke. 

“Sorry… “ Clarke grins. “Just needed to talk to an old friend, you know. I saw you were talking with Octavia, by the way. Is she being nice? “ 

“She’s okay, “ Lexa says and nods. “You know a lot of people. “ She smiles and looks around, letting her eyes fall on every girl who’s grinding up against either some other girl or a guy who’s trying to get in on it. 

“Raven knows a lot of people. “ Clarke laughs. She takes the see-through cup and gives it to Lexa. “Let me know if it’s too strong. “ 

“It’s perfect, “ Lexa says when she’s taken a sip. “It’s really good, actually. “ 

“Great! “ Clarke grins. “Are you up for a game of- “ 

“BEER PONG! “ Jasper screams right behind them, making them both jump and laugh. “Come on, guys! We need to teach your girl our rules. “ He grins and points at Lexa, dragging both of them with him to the window where the table’s been put up. 

“Okay, so! “ Lincoln says, letting go of Octavia’s hand as he explains their new rules. “It’s like a normal game of beer pong… But! Every time it hits the table and gets in the cup you have to take a shot! Okay? Get it? Let’s just start, great! “ He cheers excitedly. 

After an hour of nonstop playing beer pong Clarke suddenly feels the heat that’s been building up in the apartment. Lexa’s by her side, hitting the cup every time, smiling and laughing in a way Clarke’s never heard before. Her cheeks are flushed and it must be from the Clarke made for her. 

Lexa throws the ball one more time and it hits the guy’s last cup. The game is over and Lexa, Clarke and Octavia won. 

“Want to go outside and get some air? On the roof? “ Clarke asks Lexa, keeping her mouth close to her ear to make sure she heard her. Lexa nods, a wide smile on her face.

Outside the moon is already shining brightly on the top of the sky, painting the rooftops white and making the shadows soft. The wind is blowing lightly around them and they’re both happy they grabbed their coats before heading up the emergency stairs outside Clarke’s bedroom. They can hear the muffled voices of the people inside and the music that is probably driving the neighbors mad. 

“So, “ Clarke says after a minute of silence. “Are they horrible? “ She asks, referring to her friends. Lexa laughs shortly before turning around with a grin, letting her fingers fall on the half wall keeping them safe on the roof. 

“They’re nice, Clarke. I like them. “ She grins, not letting her eyes fall on Clarke’s face because she’s afraid she’ll do something she might regret. 

Clarke seems to notice her obsession with the ground beneath them and lets her head turn down to look at it. “I’m glad. “ She grins, not understanding where this sudden rush of shyness and awkwardness is coming from. When she peaks up to meet Lexa’s green eyes, that are starring at her brightly, she can’t help herself but to take another step forward. 

“I think I’ve had a bit too much to drink, “ Lexa whispers, followed by a soft giggle and then she’s biting her lip and Clarke almost gasps as she takes another step forward, liking the way Lexa’s hand moves closer and closer to Clarke’s on the low wall. “I don’t… “ She tries. “I don’t normally drink, you know. I’m not very good with, uhm, with alcohol and stuff. “ 

“You seem to be doing just fine, “ Clarke says and smiles. She blinks slowly, enjoying how the brisk air fills the hot space between them, giving her a fresh whiff of something else. She keeps taking small steps closer and closer to Lexa until her hand meets hers on the cold, brick wall. She lets her eyes fall to their, almost intertwined, fingers and she licks her lips from the sudden burst of warm, cozy skin touching hers. 

“Clarke… “ Lexa mumbles. “I think the drinks are really hitting me now. “ Her words are slurred and Clarke can’t tell if it actually is the alcohol or the cold or whatever the fuck is happening between them, but when she rips her eyes from Lexa’s hand and to her lips she knows there’s no fucking way she’s going to leave this rooftop without kissing Lexa.

“My head is spinning, “ Clarke says and smiles, letting her foot scoot next to Lexa’s on the ground. 

“Mine, too. “ Lexa breathes, looking down at Clarke as she smiles. She sucks in her lip for a second before letting her eyes fall to Clarke’s lips. They’re looking more and more blue from the cold and she can’t keep her mind from wandering off to a way to make them warm and pink again. 

“I like you, Lexa. “ Clarke lets the words out softly, they come out as a whisper, which made them ten times more intense than she’d wanted it to. But Lexa’s smiling and her hand tightens around hers for a second. Her other hand, the one that’s been hanging limply by her side for way too long now lands on Clarke’s hip with a soft movement. Clarke’s breathing quickens for a second before she gets used to the touch. 

“I like you, too, Clarke. “ Lexa grins, a soft kind of cockiness to her words and a smile Clarke hasn’t seen before. “But I think if I don’t stop now I’ll do something I’ll hate myself for tomorrow. “ 

“And what could that be? “ Clarke asks, knowing Lexa has the same thoughts as her. She smiles and giggles and the same does Lexa until neither of them have anymore playful words to say and they’re standing in almost complete silence as the wind picks up and they’re both starting to feel the cold. 

Then Lexa does something she didn’t expect herself to do and for a second she feels herself screaming how much of an idiot she is, but then Clarke kisses her back. All she feels now is how Clarke’s lips fit perfectly into Lexa’s and how her hands are moving up Clarke’s dress under the coat, feeling the sweaty warmth from her body. She gasps slightly, not realizing how her lip is shaking slightly. 

Clarke wonders if it really is Lexa’s tears she’s feeling against her skin or if she’s delusional. But as she draws back from the kiss and looks at Lexa, she sees her eyes are so much brighter and how they’re red and puffy from the lack of sleep, she looks exhausted. 

“I’m sorry- “ Lexa mutters before Clarke places another kiss on the corner of her mouth, then Lexa’s words end with a smile and a blush. “Maybe not that sorry, actually. “ She grins and Clarke can’t stop looking at her. She can’t take her eyes off Lexa with her massive, leather jacket that’s still open to show how the pantsuit curves around her body perfectly. She can’t stop looking at Lexa’s grin and her pink cheeks and how the tip of her nose looks red and cold. She can’t stop looking at Lexa’s soft curls, she must’ve done something to them because they look much more collected now than usual. 

As Clarke kisses her one more time she feels how Lexa’s face is cold against hers and even though she’d want nothing more than to stay on the rooftop, she doesn’t want their first kiss to end with Lexa freezing to death. So she looks back towards the metal staircase and sighs before returning her eyes to Lexa’s. 

“I don’t want to go down, “ Lexa says and holds Clarke’s hand tighter. 

“Me neither, “ Clarke says and runs her thumb over the back of Lexa’s hand. “But you’re cold as ice and if we don’t leave now you’re going to be stuck here permanently until the sun comes out and you’ll melt away. “ Lexa laughs and gives Clarke a slight push before the get inside, still holding hands. 

“Woo! “ Octavia yells and points towards the two girls who’re stepping in through the open window and into the living room. “I thought you said no hooking up on the roof? “ She tries hard to wink but it ends up as a dramatic blink, which indicates the amount of drinks she’s had throughout the past few hours. As Clarke sticks out her tongue and leads Lexa to the kitchen to get some more peace, she looks around to see people slowly getting more and more drowsy as they fall to the couch.

Clarke gets them both a glass of water with a smile and gives it to Lexa, smiling even brighter than before. They drink it in silence, neither of them knowing what to say. But there’s something special about the silence. It’s not awkward or forced, it’s a peaceful silence they both need. 

Clarke leans back against the counter, holding the cup tight. Lexa’s picking at a label on a beer bottle as her smile fades and suddenly Clarke knows what’s about to happen. 

“Do you not like me, Clarke? Like… Like that? Because I need to know and… “ Lexa’s voice sounds far away and Clarke feels how her skin crawls all over her back from the words. She so wishes that vision would never happen because the way Lexa says the words feels like knifes in her head. 

“You’re crazy, “ Clarke says with a worried look. “For you to think that I, or any other person in this world, wouldn’t like you, is like thinking you’d one day grow wings and fly. You’re amazing, Lexa, you’re more than amazing… You’re… You’re perfect- “ 

“I’m not, “ Lexa says and puts down the bottle after ripping off the label. For second Clarke thought she’d broken it because of the sudden movement. “I’m not perfect, Clarke. “ She repeats with a sigh. Clarke moves to stand in front of her. She takes her hands and forces Lexa to look at her. She leans in and kisses her on the top of her head – she has to stand on her toes to reach and she almost falls over doing so. 

“You’re perfect to me, Lexa. “


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its a little short, i know. but i tried to make it real cute

It’s not easy for Clarke to balance everything at the moment. Work’s been getting more and more busy, she’s having visions several times a day now, even outside of work and she’s spending all of her free time with Lexa because she can’t imagine doing anything else. Raven’s been telling her how she needs to be careful not to get too connected too fast, but Clarke just shrugs it off and knows that she’s already as connected as anyone could ever be. 

Christmas is right around the corner and Lexa’s been meaning to ask Clarke what she’ll be doing. But there’s something about the way Clarke gets whenever she mentions families or Christmas time. She wants to know and she wants to help her. But right now she’s looking in through Clarke’s bedroom window, enjoying a cup of steaming hot tea in her hands as she sits on the metal stairs she has fallen in love with over the past few weeks. 

“You’re going to end up sick, “ Clarke mumbles from her bed. Her hair is frizzy and blond and pink is painting the pillow she’s lying on. Her legs are sticking out of the duvet and Lexa can glimpse the edge of underwear so she smiles smugly to herself and takes another sip.

“Clarke, can I ask you something? “ Lexa says and looks at her through the open window. Her feet are sticking inside, loving the way they’re getting toasty from the radiator just beneath them. Clarke hums a yes and sits up a little in the bed, covering her half naked body in her blanket. “Do you… What… What are you going to be doing for Christmas? “ Lexa knows instantly that she should’ve waited for another time because Clarke rubs her eyes and now she looks ten times more tired than before. 

“I don’t know, “ She says and shrugs. “Why are you asking like that? “ 

“Like what? “ 

“Like I might explode from the word Christmas, “ Clarke says and sighs. Her eyes have fallen to the picture hanging above the dresser. It’s of the galaxy and stars are painted with silvery white glitter. When the sun hits it in the mornings and evenings, just the right way, it looks like they’re shining red, orange and yellow. 

“Because you always flinch when I mention it. “ Lexa puts her cup down and jumps in through the window, landing on the bed right next to Clarke. She takes her hand and feels how warm and soft it is. Something she’s never going to get used to. 

“I’m just not a big fan of Christmas, “ Clarke says and blinks a few times. “Nothing crazy, really. Just don’t like it. “ 

“Why not? “ Lexa asks. She hates this, she hates being have to push Clarke to tell her these things. But her curiosity and want to help her is overwhelming and she gives in every time. Clarke takes a deep breath, obviously contemplating whether or not to tell her whatever it is going on in her mind. 

“I lost my dad the day before Christmas Eve. I was sixteen. He died in a plane crash and… “ 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it, Clarke. If you don’t want to- “ 

“I do. I want you to know because you’ve… I want you to know these things, “ Clarke says, still keeping her eyes on the photo. “He was flying home for Christmas. My mom wanted it to be a surprise but of course I’d seen it coming. Just thirty minutes before he was supposed to land I had this vision… “ 

Lexa moves closer to her, guessing how this might end. “I saw how it was going to just… Explode. I told my mom, but there was nothing to do. We couldn’t tell anyone because they weren’t going to believe us and if they did they would’ve suspected us for doing something to the plane. I was so mad at her for not calling the airline, you know. Then after it happened. We got the call and we saw the news and they reported that no one survived. I should’ve… I should’ve done something, you know? I should’ve called the airline and told them… I was angry. After a week the police told us nothing would’ve changed it. As soon as the plane had left the ground it was in danger. It was the landing that had caused it, I guess. “ 

“Clarke… I… I am so incredibly sorry. That is… Those things are not fair, okay? I wish I was there for you at the time, really. I’m so sorry, “ Lexa says. She moves closer to Clarke, tugging her arms around her to let Clarke rest up against her body. She has one arm around her shoulders and another around her back. Clarke sobs against Lexa’s t-shirt as she tells more and more about how it happened and what went on for the next couple of years. 

“When I turned eighteen I moved out. I couldn’t stand being home anymore. Everything everywhere just reminded me of him. Mom didn’t take any pictures down, she didn’t stop talking about him. He was just always there and I hated myself for hating how much room he was taking up. I needed space and time and she didn’t give it to me in two years, so… I said some shitty things and she said some shitty thing back and now… Now we see each other once every three months or so. “ 

***

It doesn’t take long before Lexa knows where everything is in the kitchen of Clarke’s apartment. So when Clarke mumbles the word pancakes in her sleep, Lexa knows exactly what to do. She crawls out of bed and peaks out into the living room to see if Clarke’s roommate, Raven, is sitting there. The door to her bedroom, it’s on the opposite wall of Clarke’s, is still closed so she guesses she’s not up yet.

Lexa skids across the floor in panties and a massive t-shirt she’s stolen from Clarke. Within a few minutes she’s put on some soft music and is mixing up the batter. She flips the pancakes directly from the pan with a flick of her wrist and wiggles her hips as she dances along to the music. She hears a door open and she’s sure it’s Clarke, but then she hears someone clear their throat and she’s sure Clarke’s voice isn’t that deep. 

“Uh, sorry? “ Lexa’s skin crawls with the shock of the sudden, low voice and when she turns around to see the guy named Bellamy stare at her with blushed cheeks and a hand behind his head she squeals and drops the pancake she was flipping on the floor. 

“Shit, “ She says and looks down at it, knowing she’s not going to pick it up as long as the shirt she’s wearing doesn’t cover her ass completely. 

“I, uh… “ He mumbles as his eyes fall to the floor. “Uhm, I’m Bellamy… I was at the party- “ 

“I know, “ Lexa says and it comes out much harsher than she’d intended.

“Is… Do you know if Clarke’s home? “ 

“She is. She’s sleeping, actually. Do you want me to get her? “ Lexa asks and tugs at the end of her shirt to make it longer, knowing that doesn’t do shit. 

“Yeah, please. If you want to, “ He says and looks at her again and there’s something about his odd grin that makes Lexa sick to her stomach. “Thank you, Lexa. “ He smiles and even though everything about him seems to nice, Lexa feels like her stomach has turned into stone. So she walks past him, trying not to think too much about the way he turns to follow her with his eyes as she walks inside Clarke’s room. 

“Clarke, “ Lexa says gently and when Clarke hums something and turns in the bed, her stomach suddenly feels a lot softer. “Clarke, someone’s here. Uhm, Bellamy’s here, actually. He’s waiting for you in the living room. Please, Clarke. Wake up, “ Lexa says softly and strokes Clarke’s back with her hand to help her wake up. 

“Who’s here? “ Clarke mumbles. 

“Bellamy, “ Lexa says again and smiles concerned. “Bellamy’s here. He’s waiting for you. “ 

“Shit… “ Clarke mumbles. “I, uh… I’m getting up now. “ 

Lexa puts on a pair of jeans and tugs the t-shirt into them. She puts her hair up in a ponytail and walks out the room with a much calmer smile on her face. Bellamy is sitting on the couch with the TV on and his feet up. She just smiles and nods quickly as she continues to make breakfast. 

“Good morning, Bellamy, “ Clarke says after a minute, she wears a pair of loose pants and a red long sleeved top. 

“Hey, “ Bellamy says and jumps up from the couch to hug her tight. “I’m sorry for just… Intruding, “ He says the last bit and looks up at Lexa who’s stopped making the breakfast to look at them. Her eyes hurry back to the pan and batter. 

“It’s fine. Is everything okay? I didn’t even see you coming, “ Clarke says. 

“Sure you did, you see everything, don’t you? “ Lexa notices again how his words are said with an edge of something she’s never heard before. 

“Why are you here, Bell? What’s up? “ Clarke asks with a sigh. Her arms are crossed and head tilted to the side. 

“I… I’m leaving again. Going to Iceland for a year, actually. Just got the offer this morning and, well, I wanted to tell you. Didn’t want to leave like the last time. I know you got so upset and… I know I ruined the relationship and- “ 

“Bellamy! “ Clarke suddenly yells. “It’s fine, okay? I’m glad you’re telling me. Have good trip! “ She says. They hug one more time, this time Clarke’s arms let go of him before his arms around her. She locks the door after him with a sigh. 

“I made breakfast, “ Lexa says and gives the plate of pancakes with syrup and berries to Clarke with a sigh. 

“Lexa… I’m sorry, okay? I wanted to tell you, but- “ 

“But what? It doesn’t matter, Clarke… “ Lexa’s words fade out with the light. Clarke’s suddenly seeing Monty and Jasper leaving the airport with big smiles in their faces and their hands intertwined. She snaps out of it quickly and sighs loudly. 

“I have to get to the airport, shit! “ Clarke says annoyed. “Jasper and Monty are leaving today. I forgot all about it. Can we talk about this later? Please? “ Clarke takes Lexa’s hands and holds them for a second. “I want to talk about it. “ 

*** 

She doesn’t know why she got so upset. Usually Lexa’s the calm the one, the one who’ll listen to the stories and the facts and then decide whether or not to be calm. But there was something about the way Bellamy talked to Clarke, the way he held her. It was like he wanted Lexa to know they used to date. Everything about him seems fishy and Lexa doesn’t know if it’s just her acting weird or if it’s him. 

But now she’s sitting on the edge of her bed with her hands above her knees, resting her head on them. She slept for two hours after she got home from Clarke’s apartment. Clarke’s still at the airport, she texted Lexa saying she’ll be over in an hour or two and that she’ll explain. That made Lexa sleep for another hour. 

“You’re acting weird. “ Lexa didn’t even hear Anya walk into her room. She’s moved from the doorway to the bed, giving Lexa the cup of water she got for her. 

“Thanks, “ Lexa mutters. “Just tired. “ 

“Tired of Clarke? “ Anya lifts her eyebrow and drops it the second Lexa looks at her angrily. “Sorry. Just thought you might be having girlfriend problems. “ 

“That would mean I’d have a girlfriend, “ Lexa says. Her and Clarke have never discussed if that’s what they are, if what they’re doing is what you’d call a relationship. 

“You’re not her girlfriend? “ 

“I don’t know, Anya. We’ve never talked about it, “ Lexa says and sighs. 

“Well, “ Anya says and moves to rest against the foot of the bedframe. “I’ve known you for what feels like more than ten years. And in those ten years I’ve only seen you date one person for more than two months. I know that ended badly and I know you’re still hurting from that. But know that you can’t keep protecting yourself from ‘maybes’. This will either end really badly or it’ll end really great. But to see how this really will end, you’ll have to actually do it. Talk to Clarke about everything that’s going through your head and about what you want and then she’ll do the same thing and if it makes sense to be together you’ll just be together. “ 

“It’s not that simp- “ 

“It is, Lexa. You’re just so fucking terrified of loosing someone again. “ Anya’s words are harsh and they make Lexa’s heart pound harder in her chest, but there’s something about them, something about the way she says them. Anya knows Lexa needs to hear those things. 

“I’m petrified, Anya. “ Lexa shakes her head and exhales through her nose in a short laugh.

“I know. The best thing you can do is to talk to her about it. She’ll understand, I’m sure. And if she doesn’t, well, you’ll have your answer there. “ 

***

“I’m going to miss you guys! “ Octavia shrieks and hugs Monty and Jasper for the seventh time, wiping away tears as she lets go of them. 

“We’re only gone for like a month, “ Jasper says with a smile. His eyes are big and bright, he’s obviously exited for the trip. 

“We’re still going to miss you, “ Lincoln says and hugs them, patting their backs and laughing. 

“Why do you have to leave when it’s Christmas? “ Raven asks. She’s standing with her arms crossed and a pouty face on. “It’s not… It’s weird. “ 

“I’ll miss you, too, Rav’. “ Jasper laughs and holds her tight for moment, whispering something in her ear Clarke can’t hear. “Okay? “ He then says and holds her shoulders tightly. Tears are forming in Raven’s eyes so she rolls them, flicks her hair and looks away with a sigh. 

“Have a safe flight, “ Finn says.

“Yeah, be safe! “ Octavia then says, wiping away more tears. “And bring back presents! “ 

Clarke can feel an unease in her stomach and she knows exactly what this is about. She hasn’t been back to an airport since she said goodbye to her father. She hates how panicked everything seems, people saying goodbye, someone running to get to their plane, the constant fear of something going wrong. Everything, every possible outcome of being here, is running through her head and she’s trying everything she can to focus on the visions she’s had of Monty and Jasper coming home and being okay, but she can’t trust the visions. She never does. 

“Clarke? You okay? “ Monty asks, taking her hand for a second before letting go. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just really gonna miss you guys, “ She says and blinks a few times to make the tears disappear. 

“We’re going to miss you, all of you, too, “ Jasper says. “But if we stay here and talk about how much we’ll miss you… We’re going to end up missing our flight. “ He laughs. They all hug one more time before everyone separate. Clarke follows Octavia and Lincoln to get a ride with them back to the store. 

“So how’s another Christmas going to be without Bellamy? “ Clarke asks, giving Octavia a nudge. 

“Uh, weird. I don’t know, Clarke. He’s not… He’s not doing so well, “ Octavia says and walks a little faster to get in the car. As they’re driving down the big road in front of the store, Clarke can’t get Octavia’s words out of her head. 

“Octavia? What do you mean with ‘he’s not doing so well’? “ 

“Nothing… “ She mumbles. “Just… Clarke, you guys broke up a year ago or something, I know that, he knows that. But you didn’t break up because you weren’t in love anymore. You broke up because you… Because you knew it’d end at some point. So, well, I guess he still has feelings for you and I think seeing you with Lexa at the party and- “ 

“He can’t… “ Clarke breathes in deeply and exhales quickly. “I broke up with him because… Because if I wasn’t going to be with him forever I couldn’t just… See past that, I guess. I don’t know, Octavia. But this is just- “

“I know. “ Octavia sighs. “But now he left again and this time I don’t think he’ll be back anytime soon. “ 

“I’m sorry- “ 

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault he doesn’t know how to move on, “ She says and there’s something about the way she says it, which makes Clarke think she doesn’t mean a word of it. 

“We’ll talk later, “ Clarke says before slamming the car door shut behind her. She watches the car drive away, down the road and to the right where Clarke no longer can see it. There’s still something in the pit of her stomach, making her uneasy and shaky. It’s only when she turns around and sees Lexa standing by the entrance of the store with her arms crossed that she remembers it. 

“How did you know I’d be here? “ Is the first thing Clarke asks, as she unlocks and opens the door. The shop is cold, it hasn’t been open in the past two days and because of that, there’s no reason to keep the heating on. 

“I’m psychic, “ Lexa says and Clarke exhales through her nose as a laugh. She puts her keys on the counter and turns on the heating in the messy room. She hasn’t gotten much further with the cleaning, Lexa’s been helping whenever she’s had time for it, but because of the ads Octavia’s been making, the shop has been filled with people and Clarke’s been having more and more appointments. 

“So, “ Clarke says, resting up against the counter. 

“So. “ Lexa sighs. “How did it go at the airport? I can’t imagine it’s nice being there, “ Lexa says. Clarke’s mouth drops open in surprise to hear Lexa’s words. People tend to pretend everything that happened to Clarke’s father never really happened, like it just isn’t something you should even talk about or think of. 

“It was… “ Clarke takes a deep breath. “Hard. I hate it there, to be honest. That’s why I went back here, “ She says. 

“Yeah, “ Lexa says and smiles shortly. “That’s what I figured. “ She takes a step closer to Clarke and rests on one of her legs to get comfortable, clearly bracing herself for her own words. “Look, Clarke, there’re some things we need to talk about. “ 

“Everything okay? “ Clarke asks concerned. 

“Yeah… Well, actually no, “ Lexa says. Her arms are crossed over her stomach, trying not to show how much she’s shaking. She doesn’t know if it’s form the cold or what she’s about to say. “I don’t… I’ve been in love before, Clarke. It didn’t end well, at all. “ Her voice is shaking and with every breath she takes the lump in her throat grows bigger and harder. “I messed things up and so did she and… I’m not good with heartbreaks, not than you can be, really. But I’m just… Terrible. I went really… Quiet… For a year, I think. I didn’t do anything or talk to anyone, other than Anya, of course. And I’m still not fine. This is really scary to me, Clarke. Doing all of this with you and, honestly, I don’t even know what ‘this’ is. Basically, I just need to know if you’re… If you actually like me enough to do this and not just let this be something… Small. Because I… “ She shakes her head, not realizing she’s been crying this whole time until Clarke reaches out to wipe a tear away from her chin. 

“I love you, Lexa. And if you want to be… Then you’re my girlfriend. I will never hurt you and if I do, I’ll never forgive myself. I will love you and protect you and… And all of that stuff, I promise. Because I’ve fallen head-over-heels, whole-heartedly, stupidly, crazily and messily in love with you and there’s nothing you can do or say to make me ever, ever, change my mind about you, Lexa. “ 

Lexa closes her eyes because her entire world is spinning and twisting and turning around her and she can’t seem to find steady ground anywhere. Clarke’s words are like waves crushing her in the most painful and wonderful way imaginable. They fall over her and just when she thinks she’s heard it all and understood it all, they come back for a round two, doing everything over again. 

She takes a step forward, opening her eyes slowly and loving the way Clarke’s eyes are shining like the sky on a sunny day and how her smile is soft and insecure like she’d done something wrong, like she could ever do something wrong. Lexa places her hands around the edges of Clarke’s face, treating it like a painting she’s not allowed to touch or she’ll ruin it, God, she’s so scared she’ll ruin her. But there’s something inside of her, deep within her chest that pulls her towards Clarke and she wants to touch and kiss and explore every beautiful and wonderful part of Clarke – body and mind. 

So she kisses her deeply and giggles when Clarke sucks on her lips for a split second. The pain in her chest and the lump in her throat are gone, and all she can feel is the way Clarke keeps kissing her and the way she’s kissing Clarke back and how her heart is both pounding harder and faster than ever, but also she’s sure it has stopped completely. 

She never wants this to go away. She never wants to leave this tiny, messy shop with a million things that do nothing and she never wants to take her hands off Clarke and she never wants to stop kissing her.

She never wants this life to end, because nothing, nothing could even make her feel half as happy as she is right now.


	5. Chapter 5

Clarke wakes up to find the space next to her empty and cold. Light is streaming in through the window above the bed and for a second she feels out of place, not sure where she is. Then she remembers how she followed Lexa home and ended up staying the night and now she hates how Lexa’s not next to her, under the warm blankets, curled up by her side with a sleepy grin on her face. 

She turns and twists for a minute before getting up and putting on some clothes. The floor is cold against her bare feet and she feels a chill fall over her. Then she hears the music pouring from the radio behind the door, the sound of something sizzling on the stove and someone humming along to the songs. Clarke closes her eyes for a second, wanting to remember all of this, every single little detail about this moment, about what she’s feeling, she wants it to be stored deep within her.

“Pancakes? “ Clarke asks with a grin as she walks across the room and towards the kitchen counters Lexa’s standing behind. She’s wearing a silly apron with the words ‘kiss the cook’ on it, it’s something Clarke bought for her a couple of days ago as a joke and now Lexa’s using it whenever she gets the chance. 

“Mhm, “ Lexa hums with a peaceful smile as she flips another pancake onto the stack next to the stove. Clarke walks up behind her, wrapping her arms around her stomach and holding her tight before giving her enough room to turn around and greet Clarke with a kiss and a giggle. “Good morning, “ She says. 

“You’re incredible, “ Clarke says. The warm feeling she felt the second she saw Lexa has grown to not only be in her stomach, but all the way to the tips of her fingers. 

“I know. “ Lexa laughs and turns around again to pour a cup of batter into the burning hot frying pan, rocking her hips slightly as she moves with the Christmas song’s soft beat. Clarke bites her lip because she’s sure her jaw would’ve dropped to the ground with a bang if she didn’t. There’s something so magical and peaceful about this moment, about this ‘scene’ in front of her and she stops to think about how she got so goddamn lucky to live through this. 

Her eyes flutter closed and she sees how Lexa’s holding her hand tightly as snow falls around them. Christmas trees are shining brightly around them, they’re in the park near Clarke’s street. Lexa’s walking slowly with a drowsy look on her face. “I’m glad you’re feeling better, “ Clarke finds herself saying. “Mhm, just a little tired, “ Lexa answers and leans into Clarke’s arm with a sigh. 

“Clarke? “ Lexa suddenly asks as Clarke opens her eyes again quickly. “Did you just fall asleep? “ She laughs and gets some juice from the fridge. 

“No, no. I… Uh, yeah, maybe. “ Clarke jokes and starts to set the table. She thinks about the vision she just had and how Lexa seemed so… Weak. “Are you getting ill? “ Clarke asks, not trying to sound too fussed about it as she puts out cutlery. 

“Uh, no. I don’t think so, “ Lexa says and laughs in confusion. “Did you just have a vision of me being ill? Is that why you’re acting… Strange? “ 

“Yeah, I think so. Let’s just eat. It’s probably nothing. “ 

Once they’ve finished breakfast and cleaned up after themselves, Lexa tells Clarke she has to leave for work but that she’d love to meet up later in town and do some Christmas shopping. Clarke hasn’t even thought about Christmas shopping so far and there are only a couple of days ‘till Christmas Eve. So she nods a yes and leaves Lexa’s apartment with a smile on her face. But the vision is still replaying itself over and over again in her mind and she can’t seem to shake it off. 

Raven’s sitting on the floor with pillows under her leg, drinking beer and fiddling with tiny, metal bits for her work. “You’ve completely gone off the brace? “ Clarke asks as she hangs her jacket and purse by the door. She takes out her ponytail and shakes her head to let her hair fall to her shoulders. The pink color is already starting to fade and she’s thinking about recoloring. 

“Yeah, it started to annoy me. “ Raven mumbles and mutters some curse words when something falls apart in her hands. “God, this is fucking… “ 

“Looks like work’s going well, “ Clarke says as she drops down on the couch with the remote in her hand. Raven moves up to sit on the couch, slowly resting her leg on the coffee table, still with pillows supporting it. “How long has it been since the accident? “ Clarke asks, keeping her eyes on the TV. 

“About six months, I think, “ Raven says and sighs. “God, I was such and idiot- “ 

“Don’t say that- “ 

“I was, Clarke. I wasn’t even qualified to do the experiment and for some reason I thought it’d be a great idea to do it anyway. If I just hadn’t- “ 

“It doesn’t matter now, Raven. You tried something because you thought it was the right thing. No one could’ve told you there was an error in the machinery. It could’ve been anyone, really. I just wish I’d seen it- “ 

“Don’t! “ Raven says a little too loud. She turns to look at Clarke and her familiar, brown eyes are something Clarke didn’t know she needed. “It’s my fault, my leg, my mistake. Some day it’ll be fixed and… “ Raven shakes her head slowly as she breathes out her words. “And I’ll be able to walk properly again. “ 

“I’m so sorry, Raven. You don’t deserve to be trapped in this shitty apartment, “ Clarke says. She stops flipping through channels, ending up watching a Christmas movie about a man who thought he was an elf. She’s seen it before and she used to like it a lot. Now it hits too close to home in some way. 

“Your phone’s ringing, Clarke. Hey, Clarke! Your phone’s ringing, “ Raven says as she tries to wake up Clarke. Clarke didn’t even notice how she was falling asleep. She swings her legs over the side of the couch and runs her fingers through her blonde hair, smiling a ‘thank you’ to Raven on her way across the room to her purse. Her mother’s name is written with big, white letters on the screen as she slides her finger across it to pick it up. 

“Clarke, “ The stern voice says. “Merry Christmas. “ 

“Merry Christmas, mom, “ Clarke says back and wipes her eyes with one hand slowly, trying to wake up fully. “What’s up? “

“Just thought I’d call. It’s been a while, “ Abby says. There’s something shaky about her voice, something unsure and nervous. 

“It has. Is everything okay? “ Clarke asks, walking to her bedroom and pushing the door shut behind her with her foot. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Well… “ Abby mumbles. “Actually, “ She says and breathes in deeply. “I was thinking that maybe, maybe, you’d want to, uh, come… Home? “ 

Clarke’s chest feels heavy and something hard and cold has landed on her shoulders and she doesn’t know where it came from or how to get rid of it. Her head is weighing a million pounds so she sits down on her bed with a sighs. 

“You don’t have to, you know. If it’s that horrible, “ Abby says and the familiar, angriness comes back and ruins whatever kind of ‘mood’ she’d set for the conversation. 

“I don’t know… “ Clarke says, because, honestly, she doesn’t know. She’s never even thought of celebrating Christmas at home, or even celebrating Christmas truly. She’s sure it’s Kane who’s put the idea in her mother’s head. That makes her think if Abby’s only asking because Kane’s forcing her and then the hard lump of anger comes back in her throat. 

“Clarke? “ Abby calls after whispering something to someone – Kane – in the background. 

“Yeah, I’m here. Look, mom, I don’t know. It’s been… It’s been, like, four years since I last- “ 

“I know. Just… Think about it and give me a call tomorrow. We’re making dinner anyway and we really want you here. Kane misses his favorite student, you know. D’you want to speak to him? “ Abby asks and before Clarke gets to come with any kind of reaction, she hears the slow and steady breathing of the man who she’s talked with about so many things so many years ago. He used to teach English at Clarke’s old high school. She was the perfect student, and apparently the perfect matchmaker. 

“Clarke Griffin, “ Kane says and laughs a deep, husky laugh. “It’s been a while. “ 

“I has, “ She answers shortly and looks out through the window where Lexa had been sitting not so long ago, it makes her smile. 

“How do you feel about making your mother happy and coming home? “ He asks in a pleading way, which indicates that Abby is no longer in the room with him. “She’s been talking nonstop about it ever since she thought of it, Clarke. She wants you here, I promise. I know it’s been a while- “ 

“Four years, Kane. “ 

“I know, “ He says and sighs. “But it’s now or never, Clarke. You might not want to do this now, I know, but you’ll regret it later. “ 

“What’s that supposed to mean? Is everything okay? Is she- “ 

“Everything’s fine. Don’t worry, “ He says. “Just, please, consider it. “

“Okay, “ Clarke says and sighs. “I’ll call sometime tomorrow. “ She hangs up shortly after saying goodbye and falls back against the soft pillows and blankets on her bed. She doesn’t know what to think of this. The last time she saw her mom was six months ago when she walked into the shop, not knowing that Clarke was owner. She’d heard about it from a friend of a friend. They’d met, said hello and Abby had left again within minutes. She doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t want to celebrate Christmas and she doesn’t want to celebrate it with her mom. She wants to spend everyday lying in bed with… Lexa. 

She looks at the time on her phone and realizes she has ten minutes to get into town to meet Lexa. She’s going to be late for their first going-out-kind-of-date and she’ll look like a mess. Typical Clarke. 

***

Clarke greets Lexa with a hug, kiss and a smile. Her lips are parted and she feels out of breath from walking so fast into town, she couldn’t get a cab for the life of her. Lexa’s eyes are soft and bright green, her smile is growing bigger and bigger and she’s running her thumb along the back of Clarke’s hand to warm it up. 

“You look like you’ve been running, “ Lexa says as they start walking down the shopping street. Little stalls have been put up, selling Christmas decorations, hot chocolate, toasted almonds and other delicious things that Clarke feels very tempted to buy. 

“Yeah, I… I fell asleep and then, uh, my mom called. “ Clarke shakes her head. She doesn’t want that lump in her throat back that she gets whenever she thinks of her mother. 

“Everything okay? “ Lexa asks and turns to face Clarke with a concerned smile. Clarke nods and holds Lexa’s hand a little tighter as they turn down a smaller street. There’s a tiny shop that sells different glass figures and Clarke wants to get one for Octavia. She buys a couple small ones and wishes the lady behind the counter a merry Christmas before they walk back to the main street, still hand in hand and big, goofy smiles in their faces. 

Lexa buys a few things Clarke guesses are for Anya. That’s when it hits her that Lexa never talks about anyone else in her life other than her roommate. “Can I ask you something? It’s okay if you don’t want to answer, “ Clarke says and Lexa just nods, still smiling, as if she knows exactly what Clarke is about to say. “You never talk about your family, Lexa. “ 

“That’s not really a question, “ Lexa says and laughs as they stop by a store that sells mugs and teas and coffees. “But, uh, I don’t really have a family, actually. “ Lexa breathes out the words and shrugs slightly. “My parents gave me to an adoption bureau soon after I was born. I’ve never met them since and I don’t remember them. “ 

“Lexa… I’m so sorry. That’s… That’s horrible, “ Clarke says. She shakes her head and holds her hand a little tighter. The Christmas lights are shining brightly around them, people are running from one store to another, finishing the last minute Christmas shopping. 

“It’s okay, thank you. I’ve never really felt like I needed them. I’ve had Anya… And now I have you, “ She says and turns her head to kiss Clarke on the forehead with a smile. “Let’s get the last things and head home, it’s freezing cold. “ 

 

Lexa’s turning the heat up as Clarke snuggles down in a blanket with cup of tea. The TV is on and it’s playing a Christmas movie Clarke hasn’t seen before. Her cheeks are pink and cold and her fingers feel numb against the warm mug. She’s wearing one of Lexa’s old flannels and a pair of sweatpants, her hair is put up in a loose bun and whatever sad leftover makeup she was wearing when she left her apartment, is now gone. It started snowing just as they walked home, bags in their hands and red noses. 

“Do you want another blanket? “ Lexa asks from her bedroom, bringing it to Clarke even though she shook her head. Clarke can’t get Lexa’s words out of her head, the fact that two people would give up such a wonderful person as Lexa, forcing her to grow up without parents and thinking she’s never needed them. If there’s one thing Clarke has always needed it was her parents, even more after her father died. It makes her angry to think that Lexa had to grow up alone, only depending on one person – Anya. She feels heat rise to her cheeks and dry spot in her throat form. Her fists clench around the mug and she puts it down on the table in front of her. 

“Clarke, I- What’s wrong? “ Lexa asks. She sits down next to her, a hand on Clarke’s shoulder and a blanket wrapper around her own. Clarke feels tears start to form in the corners of her eyes. She tries to blink them away but the pictures of Lexa alone as a child makes them fall down her cheeks. “Clarke, what’s happening? “ Lexa asks as she nuzzles in closer to Clarke. She makes room for Clarke to rest up against her and when she does, she wraps her arms around her body and feels how they’re both getting warmer and warmer. 

After a while Clarke moves a little to look up at Lexa who has her eyes fixed on Clarke, a sad expression on her face. “I love you, “ Clarke says. It’s so quiet and soft, it almost comes out as a whisper. “You deserve to have a family that loves you and… It hurts to think about you ever feeling alone, because you’re meant to have the entire world. I love you, okay? I will always love and- “ 

Lexa kisses her softly on the corner of her mouth right before Clarke feels the tears come back. “Thank you, “ Lexa whispers in between kisses. She runs her fingers up Clarke’s back under her shirt and feels the warmth Clarke lets out with every breath. Clarke moves away for a second, turning to lie down next to Lexa, facing her. 

“I’ve been meaning to ask you something, actually, “ Clarke says. “My mom and her, uh, boyfriend, I guess… They want me to come spend Christmas with them. And, if you want to, I’d love to take you with me. I know… It’s soon and rushed and maybe a little weird. But- “ 

“Clarke, “ Lexa says and the way she says it means no. “I’d love to, but I think that maybe it’s a good idea for you to see her alone. Also, I made plans with Anya, actually. We’re driving down town to visit the old adoption bureau. “ Lexa nods and smiles.

“Oh, okay, “ Clarke says and tries not to sound too disappointed. 

“I’m sorry- “ 

“It’s okay. I should probably do it alone, yeah. “ 

“Maybe, “ Lexa says and kisses Clarke’s nose with a smile. “Next Christmas? “ 

And there’s something about that promise that makes Clarke’s heart flutter and her eyes go wet. The thought of being so privileged to spend an entire year, more than that, with Lexa fills her body with warmth and electricity. So nods and smiles and kisses her until the credits roll over the screen from the movie and until the sun goes down completely, leaving the room only lit up from candles.

Everything is so perfect.

***

“Hey, mom. Look, I’ve given it some thought and, yeah, I’d like to come over tomorrow. “ Clarke sighs with a smile. Lexa’s sitting across the bed, looking at her and rubbing her foot against Clarke’s leg as a support. 

“Really? That’s great! Oh, wow. Okay, so I was thinking that maybe you could be here around four or five? Dinner will be on the table at six, Kane’s cooking it. I’m really exited for this, Clarke, really, “ Abby says. “We’ll talk later, okay? Okay, bye! “ 

“She sounded happy, “ Lexa says and peeks over the top of her book. 

“Yeah, she did. “ Clarke grins. “But this means I’ll have to not see you in two days. “ Clarke crawls to the foot of the bed to meet Lexa with a soft kiss against the top of her nose and then one on her lips. Lexa’s hair is wet and curly and smells like mango and sunflowers, a combination Clarke never thought she’d get this addicted to. 

“Actually, “ Lexa says and looks away to avoid Clarke’s eyes. “The trip I’m going on with Anya is actually going to take more than a day, sorry. “ 

“How long, then? “ 

“We’ll be back January second. “ Lexa sighs. Her eyes fall back onto Clarke’s, which are blinking fast until she shuts them completely. 

“That’s… That’s a lot longer than I had expected, “ Clarke says as she nods through her words. “But, “ She looks up. “It’s fine. It’s nice that you’re going back there, I think. So… When are you leaving, then? “ Clarke asks. She curls her leg around Lexa’s and leans her head on her shoulder with a sad smile. 

“Tomorrow morning, or, well, tonight, “ Lexa says. “We’re leaving at three to get there by midday. We’re going to buy some presents for the kids. We’re staying in a spare room for the week, too. “

“You sound exited, “ Clarke says and shuts her eyes. 

“Your Christmas will be fun, Clarke. Just… Give her a chance. Maybe you’ll figure everything out and it’ll be great! “ Lexa says optimistically. Clarke just shrugs and buries her face deeper into Lexa’s shoulder. It’s wet from Lexa’s hair, but it smells nice and feels warm. 

“What about your job? “ Clarke asks after a moment of silence. Lexa’s put her book on the bed, pages downwards to mark where she’s gotten to. “You haven’t talked about it for a while now. “ Lexa blinks a few times before moving to sit straighter. 

“Uh, actually- “ 

“Did you get fired? “ Clarke asks, keeping her head on her shoulder, smiling smugly to herself. 

“How did you- “ 

“Psychic, remember? “ Clarke laughs. She quickly moves and grabs Lexa, dragging her down to the bed. She then starts tickling her as she moves to sit on top of her lap to keep her down. Lexa’s laughing and shrieking as she’s trying to wiggle her way out of Clarke’s hands. Suddenly she gets revenge by grabbing Clarke by her hips and swings her over so she lands shoulder first on the white bed sheets. Lexa grabs Clarke’s foot and holds it tightly as she start running her fingers up and down the bottom of it, grinning widely as Clarke curls and moves until she reaches the side of the bed, looks at Lexa in terror, though still with a smile on her face, and falls on the floor with a smack. 

“Shit, “ Lexa says, trying to stop herself from laughing as she crawls over to see Clarke, who grabs her wrist and pulls her down next to her with another loud smack. Now both of them are lying on the ground, breathless, trying to control the tears that are running down their face from laughing so hard. The door swings open and Anya runs in to see them both lying there. 

“Jesus fucking Christ, guys, “ She says. “I thought you were murdering each other in here, fuck! Next time try to keep your disgusting sex games to a minimum, deal? “ She asks and when Lexa’s about to protest, Clarke speaks up. 

“Deal. Sorry, Anya! “ She calls as Anya leaves the room and smacks the door shut behind her. Clarke bursts into a loud laughter, falling over Lexa’s stomach. 

“God, Clarke! She’s going to think I’m some freak, now! “ 

“I’m the freak, “ Clarke says. She turns so she’s lying flat on top of Lexa who’s pulled down a pillow from the fall, which she’s now supporting her head on. Clarke turns her head to lay flat on Lexa’s chest, who has curled her arms around her. 

“You’re not a freak, “ Lexa whispers into Clarke’s hair. She can feel the warmth of Lexa’s breath against her skin. It’s nice and familiar, something Clarke’s slowly getting used to feeling. “You’re perfect. “ 

***

Clarke begins to prepare dinner for when Lexa comes around. It’s late and Lexa’s got caught up with Anya, trying to plan their trip. She called and told Clarke she’ll be there in less than an hour, if Anya would just stop yelling at her about good footwear. So Clarke’s cutting vegetables, with Raven by her side who’s drinking beer from a glass instead of the bottle. 

“I see you’re playing it fancy tonight, “ Clarke says and pours the carrot pieces into a big bowl. Her hair is up in a loose bun, which always looks a bit odd because of the pink tips. They’re painting streaks into the blond unevenly. 

“Of course. The Queen is coming by, “ Raven says and cheers herself before taking a big sip. 

“What do you mean? “ Clarke asks, shaking her head. 

“Well, you’re just treating her like she’s royal. You’re obsessing over cooking food, you’re cooking food, Clarke. “

“Is that a bad thing? “ 

“I don’t know, “ Raven says and sighs. “But I’m just scared you might be… Falling for her too hard. You’ve been dating her for, what, a month? And you’re already… “ Raven shakes her head and puts the glass of beer down on the counter, just to pick it back up and drink the rest of what’s in it. 

“What? I’m already what, Raven? I’m happy? Is that it? Is that the big problem, that I’m happy? “ 

“Of course not! You’re just… You’re never home, “ She says. 

“You’re always home, “ Clarke says. 

“It’s because of my leg- “ 

“You were always home even before the accident happened, Raven. “ 

“Shut up- “ 

“No! I won’t. I won’t just shut up and pretend like it’s okay for you to ‘worry’ about me! Because you’re not letting me be worried about you! You don’t get to come here and tell me I need to be careful and that I need to think about myself, too, when you’re sitting by that fucking table twenty-four hours of the day, fiddling with metal shit for ‘work’! Raven… Raven, I’m sorry that I didn’t see it coming, okay? I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me to be! I’m so fucking sorry… But this didn’t ruin your life. You can walk! You can go out and you can see things! But instead… Instead you’re sitting here, the day before Christmas, pretending to know what’s right for me and I’m… “ Clarke shakes her head slowly, closing her eyes. “I don’t want to listen to this, to you, anymore. Not until you sort your fucking life out. “ 

Clarke stops chopping up the onions when she starts to feel tears in her eyes. Weather or not they’re from the onion or… Or whatever, she blinks a few times to get rid of them. She hears Raven sigh before she jumps down from the counter, landing on her good leg, and then walk past her and into her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her. Clarke exhales deeply, letting go of the knife so it lands on the counter with a sharp sound. 

 

“We’re eating out, “ Clarke says and puts on her jacket the second Lexa’s standing in her door. 

“What? I thought you were- “ 

“I’m not. I’m doing dinner, Lexa. We’re eating somewhere else, not here, okay? I’ll get a cab. I’ll call them. “ Clarke rushes from the living room, back to the kitchen, back to her bedroom and then back to Lexa, gathering all of her things into her purse. She tries not to think of the complete silence, which is coming from Raven’s room. 

“Clarke, please- “ 

“Not now, Lexa. Don’t, okay? I just need to get out of here. Let’s go- “

“Clarke! “ Lexa says, raising her voice with such determination Clarke stops moving completely to look at her, surprised. “Talk to me, “ Lexa says, this time her voice is almost a whisper, soft and gentle in all the right ways. Clarke blinks and looks down, breathing in and out a few times before shaking her head. 

“Let’s go, “ She says and shuts the door behind her, hard, to make sure Raven heard it. 

 

“Clarke, “ Lexa says after a while. They’re sitting at a restaurant down town, one Clarke’s been to a million times. There’re a lot of people there, eating dinner, talking, laughing, drinking. All of the things Clarke had wanted to do tonight with Lexa. But now they’re sitting too far away from each other and Lexa’s hand is on the table, reaching out for Clarke’s, which is down in her lap. Lexa tilts her head slightly and the crease between her eyebrows grows deeper and sharper and it hurts Clarke where she’s never hurt before, not like that. 

“I got in a fight with Raven and I said some things and now… Now she’s mad and she won’t… “ Clarke shakes her head and pads her lips with her napkin. The food in front of her is untouched, Lexa’s too. “I yelled at her for being concerned about me. “ 

“Why would she be concerned about you? “ Lexa asks, her hand still stretched out in front of her on the table, palms upward and fingers relaxing. She leans forward slightly, Clarke feels Lexa’s feet hit hers under the table. 

“Because… “ Clarke looks even further down into her lap, running her fingers around each other in circles. “Because, Lexa… Look, I used to date Bellamy, okay? We were together for… For a while, I don’t even know how long. Then I saw you in a vision and then I saw him and I break up. The break up would be terrible and it would ruin both of us. So I decided to change it, to change the future. I broke up with him the same day and he left for a long time. He didn’t say anything to me, at all. And then I had all of these visions of you and I forgot all about him and I feel so fucking guilty for loving you when I… When I just did that to him. I feel like I don’t deserve to have this… The honor of being with you, when I could just hurt someone like that and not even see it… Not even get to explain- “ 

“But it would’ve ended anyway? “ 

“That’s what I told myself in the beginning. But what if… What if I had kept trying with him, kept fighting for it and then in the end he’d understand, too, that it didn’t work. Then he wouldn’t have left and… And I wouldn’t have felt like this. “ 

“Maybe you wouldn’t have met me, then. “ Lexa lets the words slip out slowly as she looks from her hand on the table and back to Clarke’s blue eyes. “The future is determined by everything we do. You did something and that changed something, yeah, but it also changed a million other tings, Clarke. What if you hadn’t broken up with him? Then you would’ve been together for longer and maybe, maybe, you’d never have another vision of… Of me? Then I would’ve walked into that store and I would’ve walked right out again and… And I would’ve never fallen in love with you. I would’ve never loved you, “ Lexa says. 

Clarke’s eyes shoot up to meet Lexa’s. So many times she’s wondered why Lexa never said those words, she thought about it, hard, about everything that might mean. That Lexa couldn’t say the words Clarke needed to hear so bad, made her ache on the inside. Like every muscle and bone in her body was shrinking and burning and hurting at the same time. 

“I love you, Clarke Griffin. “ Lexa grins slightly and Clarke can’t get enough of the way Lexa’s mouth curves. 

“I don’t deserve you, “ Clarke whispers under her breath. 

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, “ Lexa says. 

“I love you. “ 

“I love you. “


	6. Chapter 6

Lexa wants to wake Clarke up, but she knows Clarke needs to sleep. She needs to get some rest before she leaves tomorrow to see her mother, she knows that. So she gives her a gentle kiss on her forehead, grabs her bags by the foot of her bed and moves to the kitchen, careful not to make a sound. 

“Ready? “ Anya whispers from the couch, her feet are up and she’s reading something on her phone. Lexa nods with a smile. There’s something bubbly in her stomach, it has to be excitement. It’s pitch black outside and the air is cold against Lexa’s skin. Her breath paints the air white for a second before disappearing. Anya unlocks the old van and gets in the driver’s seat, Lexa by her side. She turns on the engine, fighting it for a second, before driving out. Lexa left a key for Clarke on the kitchen counter with a note, telling her she’ll call around midday. Lexa leans back, rolling down her window just to get some fresh air inside. She puts her feet up and looks out the window until Anya sighs loudly as she slows down a little. “What’s the problem? “ 

“Nothing, “ Lexa says, shrugs and smiles. “I’m just tired- “ 

“Bullshit. It’s Clarke, right? You’re sad because you’re not going to see your girlfriend for a week, damn. Let me cry for you- “ 

“Shut up, Anya. “ Lexa laughs as Anya starts wiping away fake tears form her cheeks. “I’m going to miss her, yeah, but this will be great, don’t worry. Let’s just… Let’s get some coffee! “ Lexa smiles. She checks her phone every few minutes in case Clarke’s texted or called and it’s not until the sun starts rising that she decides to leave it in her bag and join Anya in some road-trip-games she’s made up. 

 

Clarke reads the note a few times. Then she crumbles it up, unfolds it and reads it again. Lexa’s handwriting is neat and every word is in perfect cursive. It says that she didn’t want to wake her up, that it’s going to be great at Abby’s place and that she loves her. Also that she has the impossible job of watering all their houseplants. Clare grins when she sees the little drawing of, what she guess is a raccoon, holding a cup of coffee with a heart floating above it. It’s not a very good drawing, but it makes Clarke fold the paper nicely and put it in the pocket of her jacket as she leaves the apartment. 

Outside the snow falls heavily around her as she walks with her head low down the street. A few people are rushing from one building to another, crossing the road as cars honk their horns and yell something out the windows – it truly is filled with Christmas spirit today. When Clarke gets inside her apartment, Raven’s on the floor as usual. Her leg is in the brace again and she’s wrapping presents with the TV going on full blast – it’s Terminator again. 

“Hey, “ Clarke says, not sure if Raven even heard her. She puts her wet coat by the door and drops her bag outside her room. Then she walks to the kitchen to get some cereal. 

“I’m sorry for not understanding your relationship with Lexa, “ Raven says. Clarke almost jumps at the sudden sound of her voice. Her words are said with a low sigh and Clarke instantly knows Raven’s talked to Octavia about it and Octavia has forced her to apologize. 

“I’m sorry for yelling at you. “ 

“Don’t be, you were right. I’m doing nothing with my life and I’m blaming my leg for it. I’ve made plans to go with Finn’s family for Christmas. He’s picking me up in an hour. “ Raven smiles. She turns off the TV and gets up from the floor, supporting herself in the coffee table and the couch. With slow steps she walks up the few steps to get to the kitchen. “Do you love her? “ She asks all of a sudden.

“I do, “ Clarke says and chews on the chocolate-honey cereal. 

“Then… Then I do, too – Wait, no. That’s not what I meant, that came out wrong! “ Raven laughs and Clarke laughs with her. She puts down the bowl and walks over to Raven, forcing her into a massive hug and pats her back gently. 

“Merry Christmas, “ Clarke says. 

“Yeah, whatever. “ Raven laughs. 

Clarke packs her bag fairly quickly. She only needs a few extra sets of clothes and some makeup. She gets the present she bought for her mother when she was in town with Lexa – she normally just sends her some stuff in the new year. Raven’s standing by the door, her hair is loose around her shoulders and she’s biting her lip nervously. “Don’t be so nervous, Raven. “ Clarke grins. 

“That’s easy for you to say, they’re not your boyfriend’s parents. “ 

“You’ve met them before, “ Clarke says and smiles, dumping her things next to Raven’s. 

“Yeah, but that’s, like, a year ago or something. Now they just think I’m a lazy alcoholic. “ 

“Just talk about how great Finn is and everything will be fine. Parents love to hear about their kids, it’s the easiest topic. “ Clarke grins wider. 

“What about you? Are you ready to go back home? “ 

“It will be fine. But if I call you and tell you to come pick me up, you have to do it. “ Clarke says. She leans up against the wall to her bedroom and looks around their messy apartment. She puts it on her mental list to clean up once she gets home. 

“Okay, okay. “ Raven laughs. The doorbell goes off and suddenly her smile fades. “I can’t do it. I’m staying ho- “ 

“Nope, you’re not. Hello? “ Clarke presses the button to the doorbell and unlocks it once Finn’s said his name. “Good luck, “ Clarke says and disappears into her bedroom to give them space. She’s looking at the photo, hanging above her dresser and smiles widely. The sun is starting to rise, it is midday so it’s about time. Snow is still falling in thick layers, painting the town white and bright. She checks her phone to see if Lexa’s called or said anything, no new messages. She thinks about texting her, but then quickly stops. If she texts her she’s going to miss her even more and she won’t end up leaving the apartment. 

Once she hears the door click closed from the living room, she gets out and sighs at the sight of her luggage. It’s only one bag and her purse, she’s going home a couple days after the twenty fifth. Her phone’s suddenly buzzing in her pocket. She picks it up and tries not to sigh too loud at her mother’s name on the screen. 

“Mom? “ She says and falls back against the couch. 

“Clarke? Hey, I was just wondering if you’re here soon? “ 

“I’m leaving now, actually. “ Clarke nods and once Abby’s told her how exited she is for Clarke to come over, she hangs up. 

With a deep breath she picks up her bags, gets a cab and listens to the sound of the radio for an hour until she’s standing outside her old home. There’s something so special about being back somewhere you haven’t been in years. Everything looks the same, but not really. The picked fence outside the, way too big, house is painted white. The grass hidden beneath the clear, white snow, which has fallen in perfect layers, no wind to mess it up. The house is two stories. It’s painted a soft beige-yellow color with white windows and doors, matching the fence. There’s a rocking chair covered in snow on the patio outside and all of the curtains are drawn – just as Clarke remembers it. The garden is big and Clarke’s old swing set is slowly rusting away next to the house. 

She drags her bag with her, following the stone path that has been cleaned from snow. Just when she takes a step onto the patio, the door opens and Abby and Kane are standing in the doorway with big smiles across their faces. Clarke notices how Abby’s hair is slowly loosing its warm, brown color and how her eyes are softer than she remembers. She’s also wearing loose khaki pants and a big, red sweater. Kane’s outfit is almost the exact same and Clarke shudders for a moment before feeling a smile pick at the edges of her mouth. 

“Let me get that for you, “ Kane says and grabs Clarke’s bag without waiting for her to say okay. His voice is warm and Clarke thinks back to the many hours she’s spend hating it, trapped in a classroom with boring papers and stupid tests all around her. 

“Thanks, “ Clarke mutters before stepping inside. The entrance is a long hallway with doors all along it. The ones on the right lead you on through the living room, kitchen and dining room and in the far back is a bathroom. The ones to the left each have a bedroom, in the middle between two of the bedrooms is an office and a bathroom. The staircase is pushed against the hallway wall on the left and leads up to more bedrooms, bathrooms, offices and storage rooms. 

The furniture in the living room is the same but has cleaner and brighter in the colors. “Uh, yeah, I got new cushions for the couch a while back, “ Abby says, noticing how Clarke’s slowly taking everything in. The photos on the walls are the same and Clarke’s sure that if you were to take them down, there’d be marks after the frames on the walls. She notes how every photo of her father are still hanging the same places as when she left. It must feel weird for Kane to see them all the time, but she knows nothing can make her mother take them down. 

“Is it like you remembered? “ Abby smiles and sits down on the couch with Kane following her, his hand on her back. Clarke nods quickly and sits down in a chair she doesn’t remember. But once she leans back in it, she hears the familiar squeak of the old wooden legs. “We reupholstered that one, too. “ Abby looks from the chair and to the ground, closing her eyes and opening them again. Her hands are in her lap and Clarke can feel her nervousness all the way from the chair. 

“It looks great here, “ Clarke says. Abby exhales and smiles. “The drive was pretty long, the driver wouldn’t let me change the channel away from Christmas music, “ Clarke says and laughs quietly. “So if you don’t mind, I’d like to just freshen up a bit. “ 

“Oh, yeah, sure! Uhm, your room is the same as usual, if that’s okay? “ Abby smiles and Clarke nods, taking her bag with her upstairs. On the right side of the hallway upstairs is Clarke’s bedroom, she doesn’t know why she’s so nervous to go in there. She takes a deep breath, opens the door and exhales at the sight of it. Everything is the same, every piece of furniture, every book on her bookshelf, every movie and CD and old toy is the same. Clarke dumps her bag by the single bed. The room is in the corner of the house so there’s a window on two of the walls, one of them leads out to a small balcony with a grey, metal fence around it. Everything is so over the top about this place. Clarke now remembers why she never felt at home here, it’s too much. 

There’s a soft knock on the door and when Clarke calls ‘come in’ Kane opens the door slowly. He closes it behind him and walks with his hands in the back pockets of his pants. He leans up on his toes and falls back down on his heels with a sigh. “Everything okay? “ Clarke asks, walking away from the window and back to her bed. 

“You tell me, “ He says. “How is it being back here? “ 

“It’s like I’ve never been gone. “ Clarke sighs. She scoots back against the wall to give Kane room enough to sit down. “It’s weird. It’s like those movies where someone’s kid goes missing and the parents are too scared to change anything, like, they don’t even go back into their kid’s room. “ 

“She’s in here a lot, Clarke. “ Kane sighs. “She’s spend more time in here than in our bedroom. “ 

“Ew, that’s kinda weird, “ Clarke says and laughs shortly. “How is she doing? “ Clarke asks and checks her phone quickly. 

“She’s doing fine, “ Kane nods. “She’s pretty much the owner of the hospital now- “ 

“What!? Are you kidding me? “ Clarke smiles and feels the warmth, she’s been missing in her chest, fill her up. 

“Yup, she finally stood up to her ass-boss, “ Kane says and laughs. 

“Did it work? “ 

“Yeah, well, he did have a heart attack a little while after and decided not to work anymore. But, you know, it worked. “ He laughs and Clarke pushes him in the ribs with her elbow, she’s missed his stupid jokes. “She probably wants to tell you these things herself, “ He says. 

“Yeah, I’ll be down in a minute. I just need to make a quick phone call. “ Clarke smiles. Kane squeezes her leg right above her knee for a second before leaving her bedroom, closing the door after himself. 

 

“Dinner tastes amazing, Kane! “ Clarke grins as she eats another piece of potato-ham-pie. Something Clarke’s never tasted before and now it’s probably her new favorite dish. Her phone buzzes in her pocket. She tells herself it’s probably just Lexa texting her back, telling her she’ll call later. She didn’t pick up earlier. 

“Thank you, Clarke. “ Kane smiles and pours all of them another glass of wine. “So, Clarke, tell a bit about what’s happening in your life. “ He smiles. The way he says everything makes Clarke feel so much more at ease, his words are simple and there’s no forced calmness about them. 

“Uh, yeah, “ Clarke says. She sits a little straighter in the chair and puts down her fork and knife. “Well, I’m still working in the shop down town. We had a bit of a rough patch a while back, but Octavia – my friend and coworker – made some commercial deals with some companies and now it’s up and running again. “ 

“That’s great! “ Abby joins in with a smile. 

“Yeah, I really like it there. “ Clarke grins and takes a sip of her wine, which is already getting warm. Both Kane and Abby are looking at her as if they’re expecting something more to come. But Clarke doesn’t know if she should tell them about Lexa. She wants to, it’s not that, but something is keeping her away from it. Like, even though she cares deeply about Kane and her mother, she’s just not ready to talk to them about it, about her – not yet. 

“Are you still living with Raven? “ Abby asks, her voice only shaking slightly. 

“Yeah, “ Clarke says and nods, putting down her glass. “But I think her and Finn – her boyfr- “ 

“We know who Finn is. “ Abby cuts in sharply. A silence fills the room for a second too long and then Kane lifts his glass with a smile. 

“What about them? “ He asks and the tone makes Clarke come back to her words. 

“I think they’re moving together soon. So I need to find somewhere else to live, “ Clarke says. It’s something she has known would happen for a while now, but there’s still an uncomfortable tug in her chest as she says the words. 

“Sound interesting, “ Abby says and Clarke can tell she’s trying to fight her way back to the calmness there was over the conversation before. “Are you going to be living on your own or… “ She asks and there it was. The typical ‘are you seeing anyone’ question, Clarke knew would come eventually. 

“I don’t know yet, “ Clarke answers coldly and finishes her plate of food. Her phone is buzzing again and again in her pocket. She excuses herself to the bathroom and walks up the stairs and into her bedroom. Lexa rings her and Clarke smiles at the photo that pops up on the screen along with her name. It’s one she took one morning when Lexa was sitting on the stairs outside Clarke’s bedroom window. 

“Lexa? “ Clarke tries to contain her happiness, but her voice is bubbly and she’s grinning widely. 

“How’s paradise going? “ Lexa asks. There’s a lot of background noise and Clarke guesses she’s with a lot of people. 

“It’s okay. “ Clarke sighs. “Kane’s really nice. “ 

“And your mom? “ Lexa asks and Clarke can hear the concern in her voice. 

“She’s trying. “ Clarke nods. “She’s doing better than expected, but she keeps… “ 

“What? “ 

“I don’t know, nothing. How’s it going with Anya and then million children? “ Clarke loosens up a bit by the sound of Lexa’s laughter. 

“It’s great, really. There was no traffic so we got to the town early and bought a bunch of Christmas presents for the kids. They’ve already opened them all, “ She says and they both laugh. “But we’re going on a hike at midnight to see the lake near the Home. A few of the kids wanted to go for a swim, but the ice is too thick. Maybe in a few days we’ll be able to go ice-skating. “ The positive sound of Lexa’s words are making Clarke’s shoulders fall down, she didn’t even notices she was so tense. 

“Would it be okay if I told my mom and Kane about you and I? “ The words slip out of Clarke without thinking about them. 

“Uh… Sure. I mean… Don’t you think they’d be okay with it? “ 

“Yeah, of course. I mean… I don’t know, actually. They have to be, “ Clarke says and nods along with her own words. 

“Well, then go for it! “ Lexa says and Clarke can hear her smiling. “I have to go, okay? The kids are going crazy and we’re about to eat. I’ll call you tonight or tomorrow morning, okay? “ Lexa says. 

“Okay. “ 

“I love you. “ 

“I love you, too. “ Clarke grins into her phone for a minute or two before heading back downstairs. 

“Who was that? “ Kane asks, a grin spreading across his face. Clarke can feel her cheeks going red and warm within seconds, she’d forgotten how thin the walls are here. 

“Just… Lexa. “ 

“Lexa? “ Abby repeats and raises her eyebrows. Clarke’s not sure what to make of that. 

“Yeah, Lexa. She’s, uh, my girlfriend. “ Clarke releases a relaxed breath with the last word. She walks around the table to sit back down in her chair. She fiddles with the stem of her wine glass before looking up at Kane and Abby again. Both of them are smiling and their hands are locked on the corner of the table. “What? “ Clarke says, confused. 

“Nothing, “ They both say at the same time. 

“How long have you been seeing her? “ Abby asks with a smile. 

“I don’t know… “ Clarke mutters. She thinks about what Abby might mean with ‘seeing her’, but quickly decides not to bring up the fact that Clarke’s insane. “A month. “ It seems like nothing when she thinks about the feelings she has for Lexa. 

“A month, “ Abby repeats and smiles. “Does she live in the city? “ Clarke nods. “What does she do for a living? “ 

“She’s an assistant for a writer down town. But… Not for very long, I don’t think. “ Clarke grins and Abby laughs shortly. Clarke instantly knows Abby gets what Clarke’s thinking of. 

“What… What’s happening? “ Kane asks confused and the two girls join in laughter and shake their heads. 

 

Christmas night goes by a lot quicker than Clarke had thought it would. She remembers how when she was little, she’d spend every Christmas night squished in between her mom and dad, watching movies all night until she’d wake up the next morning in her bedroom. Then she’d run downstairs and gasp at the ridiculous amount of presents under the tree. Now it’s six in the morning and Clarke doesn’t know what to do with herself. Lexa didn’t call last night and she didn’t leave any texts. She’s been texting a bit with Raven just to tell her everything’s fine and to see how it’s going with Raven and Finn’s family. She told her everything was great and that Finn’s uncle is the scariest man alive, but also the awesomenest (her word, not Clarke’s). 

Clarke’s been grinning into her pillow for about an hour until she gets up and puts on some clothes. She grabs a pair of thick trouser and a long sleeved top in a dark green color and chugs it on quickly. She puts her hair in a ponytail and cleans her face with a bit of water from the bathroom that joins her bedroom. She sneaks downstairs, puts on her coat and boots and swings her purse over her shoulder and heads out. 

She gets to the only store that’s open at seven thirty in the morning and walks down the different isles. It’s a new one because Clarke doesn’t remember ever seeing it, she swears there used to be a bakery here. She finds a nice cologne for Kane, a bucket of flowers for her mom, some sweets and buys it all. Outside the snow is slowly starting to fall in thick layers, as if it wasn’t a Christmas wonderland already. She zips her jacket a little higher and walks down the streets to get back home. She stomps the ground outside the front door to get the snow off her boots. The door opens and Kane’s standing with a smile on his face. 

“Good morning, “ He says and laughs a little. “Making snow angels? “ 

“Nah, had a snowball fight with a kid down the street, actually. They should really learn that putting little stones inside the snow make it a lot easier. “ Clarke laughs and takes off her jacket and boots again. 

“Where were you? “ Abby asks, a slight concern in her voice. 

“Out, “ Clarke says and reaches down in the plastic bag she got from the store to find the half crushed flowers. “Here. “ She gives them to Abby, whose face turns into a soft smile. 

“Thank you, Clarke. “ She grins and walks into the kitchen to put them in a vase and give them water. 

“She’s been a bit… “ Kane opens his eyes wide to make a crazy face and they both start laughing. 

“Hasn’t she always? “ Clarke grins. She walks upstairs with the gift for Kane. It’s wrapped in gold and pink wrapping paper with horrible, little kiss marks all over it. The lady behind the counter in the store said it was the only one they had left, but the way she was laughing makes Clarke suspicious to that statement. She puts the present into the same bag as the one for Abby. 

“Time for presents? “ Abby calls from downstairs and Clarke grabs the bag and her phone and heads down the stairs, almost missing a step. Abby gives her a warring look as they all sit down on the couch. There’s no Christmas tree, but Clarke doesn’t think she remembers her mother getting a tree after her father died. 

“You first, Clarke. “ Kane grins but Clarke shakes her head in protest and pushes the bag with the presents for the two of them across the table with a grin. Kane wraps his up first and smells the little tester on the side of the box and smiles. “It’s great! Thank you, Clarke. “ He grins and gives her a short, slightly awkward hug.

Abby opens hers and smiles wide when she sees it. “It’s… Oh god, Clarke, it’s amazing! Where did you find it? “

“What is it? “ Kane asks, trying to lurk over the wrapping paper, which is hiding the present. 

“It’s… “ Abby tries but Clarke can tell tears are forming in her eyes and she’s struggling with her words. 

Clarke jumps in with a smile. “It’s a tea set I had when I was little. My dad bought if for me and… In my moody-teenage-years I smashed it. So I found a similar set and, well, it was just a little thing and- “ Abby jumps up from the couch and lands in Clarke’s arms on the floor. 

“It’s the best thing ever, “ She cries into her shoulder. Clarke suddenly feels an ache in her chest. The familiar scent her mother brings with her into these kinds of hugs, it’s something she didn’t even know she missed so much. Tears are pressing in her eyes and her throat feels dry. 

“Okay, mom. “ Clarke tries. “I don’t feel like crying, “ She says and laughs as Abby lets go and sits back on the couch, looking through every piece of the set. Clarke wraps her presents up fairly quickly. She gets a few books, movies and CDs. Kane had bought her a pair of fluffy socks with butterflies on them and Abby and Clarke both started laughing at his choice of fashion. Kane gets some clothes from Abby and Abby gets one of those ‘Dinner for two’ boxes and some movie tickets. 

When there’s nothing but amazing presents and destroyed wrapping paper in front of them, Kane seizes for the kitchen and joins them after about twenty minutes with waffles and whipped cream. They all sit on the floor around the coffee table, watching a new documentary series on the TV. Kane shrieks at one of the episode where it’s about reptiles and has to leave the room until that one’s over. Clarke and Abby both fall into a fit of giggles when they convince him it’s over, just to see him slowly sneak into the room, look at the screen and run away again while doing little, high-pitched screams. 

The next few days go by quickly. They go to the movies to watch a new Harry Potter movie that Abby hadn’t heard of at all, they go on walks around the neighborhood, they go to church one day, even though none of them are religious, and they also sleep until late and play board games.

It’s not until the thirty-first rolls around that Clarke feels something else than peace and happiness. She has to go home to celebrate the new year with her friends. Octavia has been calling her three times today, making sure she’s going to be there. Raven’s has apparently invited a million people over to have a ‘chilled party’. 

“Let’s do this soon, “ Abby says and gives Clarke a tight hug. 

“Of course, “ Clarke answers and hugs Kane right after. He lifts her off the ground, shakes her around a bit and puts her back down again with a warm laugh. 

“It was so nice to have you here, Clarke. We’ll have to meet Lexa sometime soon, “ Kane says. 

“Soon, “ Abby repeats and lifts her eyebrows. 

“Soon! “ Kane repeats louder and more extreme and everyone laughs as Clarke walks outside and puts her bag in the back of the cab. She gives the directions to the woman driving and waves goodbye to Kane and Abby as she drives away. 

***

Once Clarke’s stepped inside her apartment she’s greeted by Raven running wildly around, hanging up colored rolls of papers from one end of the room to the other. There’re drinks out in the kitchen, Octavia’s already mixing up some stuff. Finn and Lincoln are moving the furniture around to make more room. They’ve plugged Finn’s PlayStation in and Clarke can tell it’s Just Dance they’ve been setting up. She dumps her bags on the floor of her bedroom, thankful to see that nothing has happened in there. She takes her coat and boots off and breathes slowly, only to be disturbed by Raven knocking loudly and calling her name. 

“I’m coming! “ Clarke calls as she gets up and out again. 

“Okay, so please don’t be mad at me for having the party. I know I didn’t talk with you about it, but I didn’t want to disturb your Christmas-time with you family and- “ 

“Raven, Raven! It’s fine, really. I’m… I could use a party right now, “ Clarke says and smiles once Raven’s face lights up with excitement. On so many levels Raven’s like a little child, and it surprises Clarke every time. 

So for the next two hours they all run around the apartment, setting everything up (having a minor break to practice a few songs on Just Dance) and rushing to get ready before the first guests arrive. It’s a lot of people from Lincoln’s work, Finn’s friends that Clarke has met a few times now, Raven’s old colleagues and Octavia’s girl friends from school. Clarke knows a few people, but she generally makes sure to be around at least one from The Group. After a few hours she’s had a few drinks and won most of the Just Dance matches there’s been going on. Midnight has passes and everyone went crazy as the countdown was happening on the TV. Everyone were kissing and laughing and smiling, Clarke could feel every positive emotion all through her body. 

A guy has been flirting with her throughout the past hour and a half and she’s way too close to yell at him to leave her alone. But Octavia comes first with a massive grin on her face. “So how’s the girlfriend doing, Clarke? “ She asks and the guy’s jaw drops as he walks away with some stupid excuse Clarke didn’t hear. 

“Thank. You. “ Clarke laughs and sips her colorful drink. She’s leaning up against the wall from the kitchen to the living room. 

“Your welcome. “ Octavia grins. “No, but honestly, why isn’t she here? “ 

“She’s doing some Christmas-New-Years stuff with her roommate, “ Clarke says. She’s not sure if she should tell people that Lexa’s visiting her old adoption bureau. She seemed very chilled out about it, but Clarke doesn’t want to make that decision for her. 

“Sounds nice. How was your mom? “ 

“She was nice. It went really well, actually- “ But when Lincoln comes over with a smirk on his face and his hips pushed out as he waddles up next to Octavia and whispers something in her ear, Clarke stops talking. Octavia laughs and whispers something back and they excuse themselves as they disappear into the bathroom of the apartment. Clarke can see Octavia’s yelling at a few people to get out of there and they leave, the girl with her bra in her hand and it makes Clarke laugh. 

She thinks about Lexa. She doesn’t know how she just came to her mind, but now she’s imagining being Octavia and Lincoln and just to be able to disappear like that and do… Clarke shakes her head and grins to herself. It’s not something they’ve discussed or hinted at or anything, it’s not even been on Clarke’s mind that much. Lexa seems to like everything the way it is and if Lexa’s happy, Clarke’s happy. 

Suddenly the phone in the pocket of her trousers starts buzzing and Lexa’s name is on the screen. She checks the time – it’s way past midnight. Clarke looks towards the exit, people are crowded around every door. She looks behind her at the door in the kitchen and out to the emergency fire escape. It’s a small room. She closes the door behind her and slides her thumb across the screen to pick it up. 

“Hey, Lexa. What’s up? “ Clarke asks. 

“Not Lexa. It’s Anya. “ Anya sounds tired and frustrated about something. 

“Anya, “ Clarke repeats. “What’s wrong? “ 

“Look, Clarke, don’t freak out or anything- “ 

“What happened!? “ Clarke squeaks, her throat and chest tightening. 

“She’s okay, really. Look, she got in a car accident but- “ 

“Oh my God, “ Clarke says and falls back against the door. 

“She’s okay, Clarke! Just… We’re in the hospital right now. They wanted to make sure nothing was wrong and now we’re just waiting to get some results, but the doctor said she was okay and that it’s nothing major, “ Anya says. 

“Give me the address and room number. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes, “ Clarke says and agrees with Anya for her to text her the details. She runs out of the room, pushing past people in the kitchen to get to her bedroom. She gets her coat and shoes on and grabs her purse from her dresser. Her head is pounding and she’s never been happier to be this close to sober at a party. 

“Clarke? What’s happening? “ Raven asks as Clarke runs to the front door. 

“Lexa was in an accident. I’m going to see her, “ Clarke says, not stopping or slowing down as she pushes past people and runs down the hallway.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this is real short and it's the last chapter and sorry but i just urg i don't know, sorry

The hospital is almost empty. Only a few people are sitting in the waiting room. There’re a few guys, one of them sitting with his hand in a big bowl of water, laughing at something Clarke didn’t hear. She guesses the boy with his hand in water messed with the wrong firework. She gives Lexa’s room details at the desk and the lady smiles and guides her on her way. Clarke takes the elevator and curses at it for being too damn slow. A few people come and go and when Clarke ends at, what has to be, the highest floor she runs down the hall, looking from her phone and to the room numbers until she gets to room 3.07. 

She gets inside and the sight both makes her feel relieved but also like someone just pushed a hole trough her stomach. Lexa’s lying in bed, a few needles in her hands and arms. Her face looks pale and Clarke can tell she’s been crying. Her eyes and nose are red. She has a cut on her lower lip and her cheekbone is already slightly blue. Clarke runs to her and stops right before she gets to her bed, not sure if she should touch her. She looks so fragile. 

“Can… Can I kiss you? “ Clarke asks, tears streaming down her face. And all of the pressure seems to disappear as Lexa’s laughter fills the room. So Clarke leans down and kisses her, noticing how Lexa twitches slightly from the cut in her lip. “How bad is it? “ She asks and sits down in the bed next to Lexa’s legs. 

“It’s not bad at all, Clarke. Don’t worry, “ Lexa says and grins. She tries to sit up in bed but winces from the pain. “Just a bit bruised. They said if I hadn’t worn a seatbelt I would’ve flown right through the window, actually. “ Lexa raises her eyebrows and nods along with her words. “But I’m just going to be sore for a few weeks. They actually said I had to stay in bed and be looked after by my amazing girlfriend. “ 

“Oh, did they really? “ Clarke jokes. 

“Yeah. They said that if I wanted to heal faster I had to get lots of cuddles and sweets and- “ 

“Okay! “ Anya says and claps her hands together. Clarke hadn’t even noticed she was in the room. “Enough sexy-talk. Are you okay, Lexa? Is it cool if I skedaddle? “ The two other girls laugh and Lexa nods a yes as Anya leaves, closing the door behind her. 

“How did it happen? “ Clarke asks, as she gets comfortable under the sheets with Lexa warming her up after being out in the cold. 

“Well, “ Lexa says. “I was actually going to drive home to surprise you. But then the road was a bit slippery and, well, I hit a tree. “ Lexa winces. 

“What? You were going to see me? “ And suddenly a punch of guilt hits Clarke and tears start to form in her eyes again. She’s already thinking about how she didn’t see it coming and frustration starts to peak in. She hates herself and her stupid ‘gift’. So many people around keep getting hurt, her dad, Raven and now Lexa, and she never sees it coming. She doesn’t understand why her ‘gift’ can’t be helpful in any way. 

“Hey, silly, “ Lexa says and moves her hand, which has a needle, a tube and way too much medical tape on it, to wipe Clarke’s tears away. “It’s not you fault, “ She says and kisses Clarke’s cheek. “It’s that stupid tree, “ She whispers. Clarke laughs and snuggles in closer against Lexa’s chest with a sigh. 

“That’s what that vision was about, “ Clarke says all of a sudden and lifts her head from Lexa’s shoulder. “The vision I had at your apartment that morning a week ago. I asked you if you were feeling better and you said you were tired, it wasn’t because you were getting ill… It was because you were hurt from the accident. “ Clarke closes her eyes and lets her head fall back down against the pillow. 

“Stop blaming yourself, Clarke. You literally did nothing wrong and you’re already panicking about what you could’ve done to prevent this, “ Lexa says. She presses a button above her bed and waits for a machine to start making a sound. “Just painkillers, “ She says and smiles to calm Clarke down. “I’m fine, Clarke. Nothing major happened. “

And just as Lexa says the words, the doctor comes in with a big, bright smile on his face. He’s holding some papers for Lexa to sign and once they’re done with all the payment stuff, he finally sits down next to the bed on Lexa’s side. “So the results are back and everything’s perfectly fine. You have a bruised rib, which will hurt for about a month, maybe a little less. You also generally have a lot of bruises and marks around were the seatbelt was holding you back. You said your knee was hurting a little, it probably just felt the sudden push when the car hit the tree. All in all you’re just going to need a lot of rest and try to move as little as possible, though do walk around throughout the day, just to keep your muscles warm. “ 

“Thank you, “ Lexa says and shakes his hands. His white smile is almost making the girls squint, there’s something robotic about his way of moving and it’s only when he closes the door behind him that Clarke starts laughing. “Oh, shut up! He was nice, “ Lexa says, holding back a fit of giggles. 

“He was like a Ken-doll! “ Clarke grins. “But when can you go home? “ 

“I don’t know, “ Lexa says and leans back down. “For now I’d just like to sleep. “ And within ten minutes she’s off, slightly drooling onto Clarke’s shoulder as Clarke texts Raven to tell her everything’s okay and that she doesn’t know when she’ll get home. As Clarke looks down at Lexa and sees her face so relaxed and sweet, she releases a breath along with the anxiety and adrenalin that’s been pumping through her body for the past hour or so. She’s more than happy to still have Lexa by her side and for her to be this close to okay. 

***

Lexa wakes up too many times throughout the night. She keeps pushing the button, which should give her painkillers, but nurses keep coming in to tell her she shouldn’t be getting any more of it. So she grunts in pain and tries to find a sleeping position that’s somewhat comfortable. Clarke’s sleeping heavily by her side, her cheek is chubby against her pillow and her mouth is slightly open, tiny snores sometimes coming out. They make Lexa laugh and forget about the pain for a few seconds. She’s already texted Anya to tell her the new things the doctor said, she hasn’t responded yet – it was six in the morning and January first. Some firework is still going on outside and Lexa sometimes spots a flash of red or gold, with the loud bang coming soon after. 

Suddenly Clarke moves, mumbles something that doesn’t make sense and opens her eyes slowly. “What time is it? “ She grunts and rubs her eyes. Lexa can tell she’s confused for a second before remembering what happened last night. 

“About seven or eight, I think. “ Lexa smiles and presses the button to finally feel a smidge of pain leave her body. 

“Does is hurt a lot? “ Clarke asks as she takes Lexa’s hand and holds it tight. 

“A little, “ Lexa says and sighs in relief as she finally feels something else but pain. “I’m just exited to go home. “ 

“Yeah, “ Clarke says. “Octavia can come pick us up in her car if you want to? Just thought it would be better than a cab. “ 

“Sounds great, “ Lexa says. She feels the way she sinks down further into the bed sheets and how her eyelids finally can close without her forcing them to. Within minutes she’s fast asleep, dreaming about the many colors of fireworks she’s seen throughout the night and early morning. 

 

“Easy, Lexa! “ Clarke yells as she fusses around Lexa with pillows and blanket, trying to tug her in and convince her that it’s better to be too warm than too cold. She’s put out cold water and chips for Lexa to snack on. She’s charged her laptop and put it on the side of her bed and her phone next to it. “My phone is charged and sound is on and loud, so just call or text me if there’s anything I can- 

“Clarke, “ Lexa says gently. “I’ll be okay. Anya’s home, anyway. Go to work, Clarke! “ Lexa laughs and kisses Clarke gently for a few seconds before almost pushing her out through the door. It’s been a week since the accident and Clarke’s finally going back to work. Octavia’s been taking care of the store and Clarke’s cancelled her appointments so now they’ve all piled up and people are going crazy. 

“Next! “ Clarke calls as a young boy comes in through the dark red curtains and sits down in front of her. His skin is dark and eyes a light brown with specks of yellow in them. He has a boyish smile on his face and he’s sitting leaned back against the chair. “Anything in particular you want to know? “ Clarke asks as she looks through her notes on the client. He shakes his head and laughs shortly; obviously he’s one of costumers who don’t believe in Clarke. She loves those, she loves how they come back all shocked and surprised to have found Clarke’s words to have happened. 

“Okay, great! “ Clarke claps her hands together and reads through her notes an extra time. “Stop going out so late and getting drunk all the time, Jones. Your mom’s crazy worried and you’re messing everything up with her. Your ‘mates’, as you call them, have the same problem. You might be a rebellious teen right now, but you won’t have you mom with you forever. She loves you even though she’s giving you a hard time. “ He huffs and shakes his head. “Also, “ Clarke adds. “If I were you, I’d give your stepfather those one hundred dollars back. He needs them more than you do. He’s taking care of you, dummy. Now get out of here, “ Clarke says. She enjoys the short seconds the boy looks at her in shock. 

“Next! “ Clarke calls and an elderly woman comes in. “Water your plants, skip the bus tomorrow and, please, please, try relax a little. You’re scaring all of your neighbors away and they’re actually good people. Next! “ Clarke’s day goes by slowly. She keeps checking her phone even though nothing’s happened. In her lunch breaks she’s tempted to go back to Lexa’s place just to check on her, but she knows she’ll be late to come back and there’re more customers than she can handle. She doesn’t need to get even more behind. Octavia’s arguing with someone near the entrance and it makes Clarke laugh shortly, until a new costumer sits down in front of her and she has to get back to work. 

When her shift’s finally over she almost runs back to Lexa’s apartment. A walk than normally takes her at least twenty minutes now only took her twelve. She knocks on the front door before opening it, Anya never locks the door. Inside Lexa’s sitting on the couch with Anya by her side. They’re watching something on TV and they’re both laughing. Clarke takes a second to look at Lexa. She’s wrapped in the blankets Clarke gave her, her hair is big and messy and from what Clarke can see, she’s got chocolate on her cheek. 

“Are you just going to stand there? “ Anya asks after a minute. Lexa turns to look at Clarke. She gets up slowly and walks to her with unsure steps. Clarke greets her with a kiss and a soft hug. 

“How was work? “ Lexa asks as they sit down next to each other on the couch. Anya’s moved a bit and she’s checking something on her phone, smiling down at it. 

“Long. Hard. There were at least a million people there all day… “ Clarke sighs and closes her eyes as Lexa runs her fingers through her hair. “I’m tired, “ Clarke mumbles. She leans up against Lexa, kissing her jaw as she feels herself slowly drifting away. Lexa laughs, kissing her back on her forehead. 

“It’s only seven o’clock. “ Lexa grins.

“I’m tired. The time doesn’t change that. “ 

“I suppose it doesn’t. “ 

***

“You’re shaking, “ Lexa says and puts her hand on Clarke’s thigh to calm her down. They’re sitting in a cab, which is going way too fast and that’s not helping Clarke relax in any way whatsoever, Lexa knows that. So she leans over the middle seat and kisses her cheek gently until Clarke smiles back. “Talk to me, “ She whispers. 

“You’re about to meet my mom and my old English teacher, “ Clarke says and Lexa can’t help but to laugh. 

“It sounds weird when you say it like that. “ She smiles and gives Clarke a little nudge with her hand. 

“I don’t understand why I’m the one shitting myself because of this. Shouldn’t you be nervous? “ Clarke asks as she folds her hands neatly on top and underneath Lexa’s hand. 

“I know it’ll be fine. “ 

“How? “ Clarke asks as she looks out the window. They’re driving down road she’s walked up and down so many times when she was younger. 

“Psychic, “ Lexa says and taps her head with her finger. They both laugh until the car stops and the driver practically pushes them out. Outside the snow’s gone, it is the end of February so it makes sense. But there’s still something about it that Lexa doesn’t like. She’s enjoyed being forced to wrap up nice and warm whenever she’s had to go out. She like looking out and seeing how the bright snow was painting the town white. 

“Ready? “ Clarke asks and locks hands with Lexa, who kisses her cheek in response. And together they walk up the cleared pathway to greet Kane and Abby in the doorway. Clarke hugs them and Lexa shakes their hand as she introduces herself kindly. 

“We’ve heard so much about you, “ Kane says. Dinner’s already on the table, so they’re all sitting down. Clarke’s next to Lexa, and Kane and Abby are sitting opposite them with big smiles on their faces. “So, tell me, how did you meet? “ 

“Uh, “ Clarke says and looks at Lexa. “In the shop, actually. “ 

“Yeah, “ Lexa says and smiles. “I walked in and saw Clarke. I was very intrigued about the things she’s selling in there and suddenly she was telling me about my future. “ She laughs. 

“Sounds… Interesting, “ Kane says with a very confused expression. He looks from Clarke to Abby and both of them just smile and nod.

“You’re a teacher? “ Lexa asks, smiling at Kane as she takes a piece of pie and mashed potatoes. 

“I am. I used to teach Clarke, actually. She was the worst! “ He laughs. “Worst student ever, really. Never showed to the classes and when she did, urg, nothing but nonsense! “ He jokes and Lexa joins his laughter. 

After a while, Abby suddenly abrupt, as if she just couldn’t keep it in anymore. “Clarke told us about the accident, Lexa. “ She puts down her wine glass and so does Lexa, gently smiling. “We’re so happy to see you’re alright. “ She smiles. “What… How did it happen, if I may ask? “ 

“Mom- “ 

“It’s okay, Clarke. “ Lexa smiles and places her hand on Clarke’s thigh underneath the table to calm her down. After a minute Clarke slides her hand underneath Lexa’s and curl her fingers on top of it, holding it tight. “I was driving home from… From an adoption bureau I used to live in when I was younger. I was visiting it with my friend. Then, on new years, I wanted to drive home to surprise Clarke, “ She says, smiling as she locks eyes with Clarke, who’s looking down at the plate in front of Lexa. “And all of a sudden there was a tree in front of me and I didn’t have enough time to stop completely. Luckily it was a small road, so I wasn’t driving very fast. “ Lexa smiles and looks back up at Abby. 

“A… Adoption? “ She mumbles, looking from Lexa to Clarke and back to Lexa. 

“Mom, “ Clarke hisses and feels her cheeks start to get hot with anger. She hates how she can’t read a situation, how she just has to know everything right away. 

“Yes, “ Lexa says and clears her throat, still keeping a kind smile on her face. “I grew up in an orphanage. It was where I met my roommate, actually. We went back there for Christmas, “ She says and it amazes Clarke how her voice is so eased and calm, while her hand is sweaty and shut tightly around Clarke’s. 

“Sounds like you’ve had a bit of a life, “ Kane says and lifts his glass slowly. “For Lexa, a wonderful girl we’re very happy to have met. “ Everyone say ‘cheers’ with bright smiles on their faces and as they finish up dinner, Clarke and Lexa slowly slip upstairs to Clarke’s bedroom. There’s a mattress on the floor next to Clarke’s bed, both of them can’t help but to giggle when they see how nicely it’s been made. 

“Dips on the bed, “ Lexa says as she throws herself down onto it, almost hitting her head on the bedframe. 

“Oh, really? “ Clarke asks, lifting one eyebrow as she crawls from the foot of the bed to the top, ending up sitting above Lexa’s hips, holding her arms down as she kisses her slowly. 

“Abby and Kane are very kind, “ Lexa says and Clarke pulls herself away from Lexa’s neck with an odd expression on her face. 

“You’re very good at sweet-talking, “ Clarke laughs. Lexa sits up and nudges Clarke with her arm. They’re both leaning up against the head of the bed, pillows supporting their backs against the metal top. It’s white and curls out into a bunch of flowers and petals. “I’m sorry my mom was so pushy, “ Clarke says, leaning her head up against Lexa’s shoulder. 

“It’s okay. People are curious, you can’t blame them for wanting to hear about something they haven’t heard much of before, “ Lexa says and leans her head against Clarke’s. “I like them. “ She turns her head to look down at Clarke, who’s already looking up at her. She kisses her blonde hair at the parting in the middle of her head and smiles to herself.

She’s filled with this strange, warm feeling and the only way she can describe it is if she uses the word ‘love’. 

***

‘There’s no way to explain why Clarke is the way she is. Only a few words can be used to describe it, to describe her.’

That’s what she used to think. That’s what she used to hear. But now she’s met Lexa and Lexa swears she could spend every day of her life, doing nothing but describing everything Clarke is. One night she even started writing the things down and now, a year later, Clarke’s able to read through those pages in a book. She’s able to say to the stranger on the train that it’s her girlfriend who wrote that book. 

Clarke’s been able to see the future her entire life, and yes, she’s hated it so many times. But now, sitting next to the girl she loves more than anything, she’s never loved anything more than to see that tomorrow is another day with her, tomorrow is another day were they’ll do nothing other than loving each other. 

Clarke loves Lexa. 

Lexa loves Clarke.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr @notreallystraight if you wanna message me or ask me about the story/stories I'm writing <3


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